About 6 weeks beforeNeil and I were married in 2003 I was seeing a gyne for follow-up after some problems I had been having for years. It was on that day he told me in very quiet words that it would most likely be impossible to have children naturally on my own. I didn't have female hormones in my body and when I did create them suddenly my lovely body went haywire causing a multitude of issues to lengthy to get into here.
So I left that appoinment heart broken. i ploughed on not too concerned at the time about starting a family. I mean we had just bought our first home, were geting married in a little less than 2 months. I had lots to keep me occupied.
Our wedding day came and passed in a flurry of activity and it wasn't until about a month later I began to wonder about the doctor's "talk". I talked with Neil and we decided that in December of that year I would go back and see him and discuss where to "go from here".
I found t sort of odd about October when I began to feel VERY ill. I took a plunge and did a home test( well 3 actually Neil didn't trust the first 2) and nearly fell over on my face when it was positive in about 6 seconds. VERY positive. We spent about a week me in shock and Neil asking " are you sure" every 30 seconds.
It seems that when it came to science and my body someone else was clearly in charge and it wasn't me.
So in August 2004 we welcomed Nathaniel into our home. Two years later following about the same pattern Ryan arrived June 2006 and after a heartbreaking misscarry in February 2007 we discovered I was pregnant with Leigha August 2007, the week of my brother and sister in laws wedding in Canmore.
And so here I am again expecting another shrimp (tho this one currently has no nickname. Nathaniel was Bubba, Ryan is Magoo and Leigha has always been Smidget). It was a totally unexpected thing and very much the surprise of a lifetime when that stick turned again. I mean after a bit I should be expecting it....right??
So...I am currently 16 weeks pregnant Due October 26th (move it up 3 weeks, I have never had a full term baby) and feel like dirt. I remember being tired but honestly this is insane. I actually fell asleep in the car driving (passenger before you all panic) and since I have terrible motion sickness it wasn't the best thing to do.
And so we are scrambling to gather all the baby type things that I have gotten rid of over the years. If this is a boy I'm screwed totally as I have nothing until 18months. Buying new car seats and doing the kid shuffle to fit everyone into the van (the dogs soooo don't fit anymore). Looking for bigger strollers and making sure I have a infant carrier that isn't expired, the diapers have started to be bought and I am looking into new bottles so we don't have issues with Leigha. Just stocking up on formula (I'm being organised unlike last time where we were moving int he midst of me 8 months pregnant) and the little stuff and I sould be able to calm down sometime in September or so.
But I have the chance to do a VBAC and I'm going to try and breast feed this time with hopefully more success than the last few times ( I actually bought a breast pump :p). who knows it may turn out all right. I mean if it is a boy it wouldn't be the first one to wear pink....at least not in my family :p
Showing posts with label About Me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label About Me. Show all posts
Saturday, 8 May 2010
Wednesday, 7 October 2009
And The Band Played On...
As I've written before I grew up with music ingrained into me from a young age. It was always playing in some form whether that be in the car on the way up to the lake, in the house while we were doing yardwork, or, and I remember this especially, at Christmas time. We were never allowed to watch TV on Christams morning EVER, so I grew up listening to varying types of music.
For a while it was whatever my parents were into at the time...Phil Collins, Genesis (yes even tho they were about the same...kinda but not really), Peter Cetera, Elton John (love him to death), Crosby, Stills, Nash (and Young), The Irish Rovers... need I go on. There is a trend forming. tThere was tho horrible time my parents went into the Gregorian Monk phase and we were all forced to listen to them day in and out...I'm going to be honest here, they are wonderful to listen to for a time, but endlessly, they get REALLY annoying.
On an aside... when Neil was in Germany in high school he actually stayed in a monestary in ?Hamburg and heard them when they were chanting. They weren't able to go in and see them in person as they were in prayer but apparently it echoed throughout the whole building and was phenomenal.
I developed a varied musical taste early on and since I sang in a formal choir from the time I was 10 until I was 17. I was given the opprotunity to be exposed to music most children my age weren't. I sang with the Edmonton Symphony Orchestra on 2 occasions. We performed Handel's Messiah in 3 languages in my choir "career", the complete messiah in German we actually did once when we were paired with an adult choir. I sang in some many different languages and in many different venues in and around my city. We performed in festivals and competitions and even won awards for our singing.
My sister Laura and I were given the opprotunity to audition along with 23 of our choir mates for the chance to perform in Andrew Lloyd-Webber's performance of Joseph and his Amazing Techinicolor Dreamcoat in 1997. We actually were one of the 2 choirs chosen to do this and spent our summer with Donny Osmand....No he was not that cool from what I remember, and yes we did get to see Andrew Lloyd-Webber and Tim Rice, but in a crowd of 50 kids how does one "meet" a song writer?
We had a blast and still speak fondly of it. We even have a VHS tape of the "actions" we performed on stage during the show that we did after we ended the run in August of 1997. It was hands down one of the best times I can remember in my lilfe. I'm sure Laura will agree. If you look at the photos tho you will see two very young girls with bad teeth (me, so me in that case) and wonky clothes (both of us no matter what she says). I still have the song books and notes that we took during the 2 months of rehearsal it took to prepare for the show, my signed poster ( I have Donny Osmands signature!! :p), and my denim jacket and shirt that is signed as well...I wonder if they will be worth something once he's dead?
As I got older my taste in music changed with the time. I learned to play a mulitude of brass instruments including Trumpet, Barritone, Tuba and Trombone ( I sucked at trombone) and managed to survive 3 years in band in junior high but didn't pursue it after those years. I was never into New Kids On The Block in the early 90's when they were the "in thing". Honestly, I never even knew who they were :o I know how could I not being in that age group? I didn't sorry :( I remember the first CD I ever bought was Matchbox 20, I didn't even have a CD payer when I bought it, it was the "cool" thing to do at the time....slave to merchandising. I think I was in grade 10 befre I ever opened the package and listened to it for the first time at home, sad I know.
Since I was exposed to so many differing types of music and was able to appreciate it I began to delve into it with a fervor as I got older. As Neil will most assuredly tell you, Yanni became on of my favorites if only for the mastery of performance and the music in of itself. He is a truly magnificent performer, even if he is a bit wierd.... I went thorough my whole Beatles phase in high school about when their anthology came out, and always managed to migrate back to Country as my mainstay. As long as it's not the twangy stuff...cannot do the twangy, unless it's bluegrass, but that's another aside totally.
If asked to list my favorite songs I'm not even sure where I could start.... I'm IN LOVE with Elton John and more so since I saw him live last fall. I grew up on his music and since I love to sing to almost anything it works well.
On an aside I DO NOT sing in public unless there are 2 things factored in....1) I am consuming large amounts of alcohol...very unlikely as I don't drink very often because I cannot do the whole.. have one more when I am tipsy. I go from "happy" to puking in a blink, not good. 2) I am with my sister Laura as I usually sing better when there is someone else to hear for pitch and since I sang with her for many years we ae good at it, and she is better at it than I am. I detest Kareoke bars as I mostly hate hearning off tone singers, they hurt my ears. I am very polite no matter what but prefer to stay away lest I make a face and then they cry....very messy when drunk people cry.
Moving on...I started liking Kentucky bluegrass even tho I am an Albertan, maybe it is the tones of the music and the interchanges. It gives me goosebumps which is mandatory in my books to rate good music. That and if it can get me teary then it is a keeper.
When Neil and I got married 6 years ago our wedding song was so easy to pick that I almost laughed...Allison Krauss' version of "When You Say Nothing At All" originally done by Keith Whitley.
Do you want to hear what we walked down the aisle to? You'll have to skip the traditional "Star Trek" interlude at the beginning so once you hit about..38 seconds it starts.....stop at 2:45....
? Like it? I had it timed so that at every crescendo my girls came in and then a brief pause and and at 2:04 I walked in...kinda crazy? ( ha Neil actually recognised the music :o ) By the time I reached the front of the church, got myself together and kissed my dad we ended at 2:45. You can stop it there...we did because then you get into the whole "Star Treckie" stuff and unless you are into the theme music...by all means go ahead.
Then I found Linda Eder purely by chance one day as I was channel surfing. If you have never heard of her you should check her out. I can't find a good you tube video of her that really goose bumps for me, but she is awsome. And of course my mom got me hooked on Enya for the soothing quality of some of her stuff and her music is fun and uplifting and....well I could go on forever about my love for music. I'll leave you with my wedding "march" or invasion as the case may be.
When I had Nathaneil I received a Lullaby CD of classical music at my baby shower. I've payed it for both the boys since they were small at bedtime always on repeat. When we moved just before I had Leigha, I lost it :( It wasn't until very recently that I found another one at the funniest of all places..Walmart :p I've begun to play it for Leigha at bedtime and we have found that she falls asleep much faster and stays asleep alot longer at night. I may have found some common thread with my kids as well. I remember when I was pregnant with all of them how rowdy they would get when I blasted any music anywhere :) I love it that thye already have an appreciation for music, we only have to put somehting on and they begin to dance and Leigha actually sings :o
I'll ask this of all of you...what music moves you and gives you goosebumps and tears? I'd love to hear your songs, what did you listen to as a child?, what do you play for your kids?
For a while it was whatever my parents were into at the time...Phil Collins, Genesis (yes even tho they were about the same...kinda but not really), Peter Cetera, Elton John (love him to death), Crosby, Stills, Nash (and Young), The Irish Rovers... need I go on. There is a trend forming. tThere was tho horrible time my parents went into the Gregorian Monk phase and we were all forced to listen to them day in and out...I'm going to be honest here, they are wonderful to listen to for a time, but endlessly, they get REALLY annoying.
On an aside... when Neil was in Germany in high school he actually stayed in a monestary in ?Hamburg and heard them when they were chanting. They weren't able to go in and see them in person as they were in prayer but apparently it echoed throughout the whole building and was phenomenal.
I developed a varied musical taste early on and since I sang in a formal choir from the time I was 10 until I was 17. I was given the opprotunity to be exposed to music most children my age weren't. I sang with the Edmonton Symphony Orchestra on 2 occasions. We performed Handel's Messiah in 3 languages in my choir "career", the complete messiah in German we actually did once when we were paired with an adult choir. I sang in some many different languages and in many different venues in and around my city. We performed in festivals and competitions and even won awards for our singing.
My sister Laura and I were given the opprotunity to audition along with 23 of our choir mates for the chance to perform in Andrew Lloyd-Webber's performance of Joseph and his Amazing Techinicolor Dreamcoat in 1997. We actually were one of the 2 choirs chosen to do this and spent our summer with Donny Osmand....No he was not that cool from what I remember, and yes we did get to see Andrew Lloyd-Webber and Tim Rice, but in a crowd of 50 kids how does one "meet" a song writer?
We had a blast and still speak fondly of it. We even have a VHS tape of the "actions" we performed on stage during the show that we did after we ended the run in August of 1997. It was hands down one of the best times I can remember in my lilfe. I'm sure Laura will agree. If you look at the photos tho you will see two very young girls with bad teeth (me, so me in that case) and wonky clothes (both of us no matter what she says). I still have the song books and notes that we took during the 2 months of rehearsal it took to prepare for the show, my signed poster ( I have Donny Osmands signature!! :p), and my denim jacket and shirt that is signed as well...I wonder if they will be worth something once he's dead?
As I got older my taste in music changed with the time. I learned to play a mulitude of brass instruments including Trumpet, Barritone, Tuba and Trombone ( I sucked at trombone) and managed to survive 3 years in band in junior high but didn't pursue it after those years. I was never into New Kids On The Block in the early 90's when they were the "in thing". Honestly, I never even knew who they were :o I know how could I not being in that age group? I didn't sorry :( I remember the first CD I ever bought was Matchbox 20, I didn't even have a CD payer when I bought it, it was the "cool" thing to do at the time....slave to merchandising. I think I was in grade 10 befre I ever opened the package and listened to it for the first time at home, sad I know.
Since I was exposed to so many differing types of music and was able to appreciate it I began to delve into it with a fervor as I got older. As Neil will most assuredly tell you, Yanni became on of my favorites if only for the mastery of performance and the music in of itself. He is a truly magnificent performer, even if he is a bit wierd.... I went thorough my whole Beatles phase in high school about when their anthology came out, and always managed to migrate back to Country as my mainstay. As long as it's not the twangy stuff...cannot do the twangy, unless it's bluegrass, but that's another aside totally.
If asked to list my favorite songs I'm not even sure where I could start.... I'm IN LOVE with Elton John and more so since I saw him live last fall. I grew up on his music and since I love to sing to almost anything it works well.
On an aside I DO NOT sing in public unless there are 2 things factored in....1) I am consuming large amounts of alcohol...very unlikely as I don't drink very often because I cannot do the whole.. have one more when I am tipsy. I go from "happy" to puking in a blink, not good. 2) I am with my sister Laura as I usually sing better when there is someone else to hear for pitch and since I sang with her for many years we ae good at it, and she is better at it than I am. I detest Kareoke bars as I mostly hate hearning off tone singers, they hurt my ears. I am very polite no matter what but prefer to stay away lest I make a face and then they cry....very messy when drunk people cry.
Moving on...I started liking Kentucky bluegrass even tho I am an Albertan, maybe it is the tones of the music and the interchanges. It gives me goosebumps which is mandatory in my books to rate good music. That and if it can get me teary then it is a keeper.
When Neil and I got married 6 years ago our wedding song was so easy to pick that I almost laughed...Allison Krauss' version of "When You Say Nothing At All" originally done by Keith Whitley.
Do you want to hear what we walked down the aisle to? You'll have to skip the traditional "Star Trek" interlude at the beginning so once you hit about..38 seconds it starts.....stop at 2:45....
? Like it? I had it timed so that at every crescendo my girls came in and then a brief pause and and at 2:04 I walked in...kinda crazy? ( ha Neil actually recognised the music :o ) By the time I reached the front of the church, got myself together and kissed my dad we ended at 2:45. You can stop it there...we did because then you get into the whole "Star Treckie" stuff and unless you are into the theme music...by all means go ahead.
Then I found Linda Eder purely by chance one day as I was channel surfing. If you have never heard of her you should check her out. I can't find a good you tube video of her that really goose bumps for me, but she is awsome. And of course my mom got me hooked on Enya for the soothing quality of some of her stuff and her music is fun and uplifting and....well I could go on forever about my love for music. I'll leave you with my wedding "march" or invasion as the case may be.
When I had Nathaneil I received a Lullaby CD of classical music at my baby shower. I've payed it for both the boys since they were small at bedtime always on repeat. When we moved just before I had Leigha, I lost it :( It wasn't until very recently that I found another one at the funniest of all places..Walmart :p I've begun to play it for Leigha at bedtime and we have found that she falls asleep much faster and stays asleep alot longer at night. I may have found some common thread with my kids as well. I remember when I was pregnant with all of them how rowdy they would get when I blasted any music anywhere :) I love it that thye already have an appreciation for music, we only have to put somehting on and they begin to dance and Leigha actually sings :o
I'll ask this of all of you...what music moves you and gives you goosebumps and tears? I'd love to hear your songs, what did you listen to as a child?, what do you play for your kids?
Thursday, 17 September 2009
Are you Really Sure You Want To See This?
I went out for dinner with Laura last night and we got to talking about all the lovely pictures I take of my children. I really do take lovely pictures and would take nicer ones if I had a better camera don't you think??? (hint, hint!!)
Anyway so she commented that I don't have nearly enought pictures of myself and that I have way too many of the kids. Well yes I do have millions of pictures of my kids doing a multitude of things from playing in the mud to tackling Neil in the yard and trying to ride the dogs like horses. But I will concede the fact that there are few pictures of me. Let me show you that I do not go invisible in front of the camera....
There is this one, my wedding day September 2003. My Deer in The Headlight Picture. My Dad kept asking me the whole day if I was sure I wanted ot marry Neil. HELL YES!!! I was just nervous about being in front of everyone.
Then the one where I have been drinking lots of wine at the reception I was feeling quite good by then. At least this picture didn't have me waltzing around with my wine glass and the bottle. I even had a bottle at the bar just for me that everytime I walked by our Bar tenders- that I have know for years and are in the ELKS with my dad, uncle, and grandfather- they would top it up for me. Probably helped me get through the night.
I'll admit one thing here a big fat secret I hate my picture being taken. Yeah I do, I admit. I would much rather look at other people and stare at my kids than look at a photo of myself and see my flaws. Well not flaws really just the minor flibs that need to be ironed out. The double chin passed on through the famdamily that type of stuff. It takes time and energy and I lack it right now having to spend most of it on Leigha and her health crap and well I get shoved to the back burner most of the time.
While I can manage to throw myself into some form of respectable if needed at last minuite, I am not usually comfortable as nothing fits and I am self conscious. But then I am hard on myself too as this is only a road bump and my mother always said that it takes 20 years to get rid of the weight your children pack on you. Not sure if that is literal weight or figurative. I'm going for literal.
OOOO, love this one, me at 38+ weeks pregnant with Ryan. Hot June weekend and I get to go to a convention with a bunch of old guys. We had a very very good family friend receiving an honor that night and went for him. But we had to party with the old codgers too. They all sucked- the old farts they all left by 1000- but we had a great time despite. Except my feet:( Poor feet didn't like that night.
In 2002 I bit the bullet and got my boobs done. Not implants :o I had them reduced. I went from a ginormous boonder boobed attack goddess with boobs that were a 48FF down to a 36C. It was hands down the most amazing thing I ever did for myself short of losing the 45lbs right before my wedding. I never regretted doing it at all, despite the pain I went through after delivering the kids, that had to be almost as bad as the actual surgery. That and I so wanted a pretty bra for the first time in my life, not some granny panty thing from Sears with the 3 inch bra straps. The first bra I bought was RED!!!
Maybe it was that I bounced back into my regular clothes so soon after having the boys that has made me stick into this funk, that and I am sick of wearing the same 4 pairs of pants, boring wardrobe:p Or the fact that I can't eat most veggies and fruits unless you boil the snot out of them until they are mushy and tasteless.
Meh, I need to find a blind cabana boy and camp out on a secluded beach where no one can see me except for the birds and fish who could care less. So now I have included pictures of me over the last...6 years. At least my husband thinks I'm cute, then of course half this issue is his fault isn't it?? But then I find bald men sexy too;)
If I looked farther back I have my skinny boob pictures but those are best left in the box with the ex boyfriend. But I do really appreciate the fact that I learned to have my eyebrows waxed so there are 2 not 1 large fuzzy worm. But in the above picture that dress thingy makes me look very boobified doesn't it? hmmmm, odd, that and how did Neil manage to climb those falls with sunglasses on the whole time?
I'll have to ask him...get back to you on that. Enjoy the rambling thoughts that this post has become. Explains my state of mind some hey;)
Anyway so she commented that I don't have nearly enought pictures of myself and that I have way too many of the kids. Well yes I do have millions of pictures of my kids doing a multitude of things from playing in the mud to tackling Neil in the yard and trying to ride the dogs like horses. But I will concede the fact that there are few pictures of me. Let me show you that I do not go invisible in front of the camera....
There is this one, my wedding day September 2003. My Deer in The Headlight Picture. My Dad kept asking me the whole day if I was sure I wanted ot marry Neil. HELL YES!!! I was just nervous about being in front of everyone.
Then the one where I have been drinking lots of wine at the reception I was feeling quite good by then. At least this picture didn't have me waltzing around with my wine glass and the bottle. I even had a bottle at the bar just for me that everytime I walked by our Bar tenders- that I have know for years and are in the ELKS with my dad, uncle, and grandfather- they would top it up for me. Probably helped me get through the night.
Then we have the gift opening the next day in which our Best Man Chris decided it was a good idea- insert BAD- to have our friend Jerry mix his drinks for him. By the middle of the gift opening he was soused and giggling. Hence why I have yellow bells on my head. He could barely walk by the end of it.
I'll admit one thing here a big fat secret I hate my picture being taken. Yeah I do, I admit. I would much rather look at other people and stare at my kids than look at a photo of myself and see my flaws. Well not flaws really just the minor flibs that need to be ironed out. The double chin passed on through the famdamily that type of stuff. It takes time and energy and I lack it right now having to spend most of it on Leigha and her health crap and well I get shoved to the back burner most of the time.
While I can manage to throw myself into some form of respectable if needed at last minuite, I am not usually comfortable as nothing fits and I am self conscious. But then I am hard on myself too as this is only a road bump and my mother always said that it takes 20 years to get rid of the weight your children pack on you. Not sure if that is literal weight or figurative. I'm going for literal.
OOOO, love this one, me at 38+ weeks pregnant with Ryan. Hot June weekend and I get to go to a convention with a bunch of old guys. We had a very very good family friend receiving an honor that night and went for him. But we had to party with the old codgers too. They all sucked- the old farts they all left by 1000- but we had a great time despite. Except my feet:( Poor feet didn't like that night.
In 2002 I bit the bullet and got my boobs done. Not implants :o I had them reduced. I went from a ginormous boonder boobed attack goddess with boobs that were a 48FF down to a 36C. It was hands down the most amazing thing I ever did for myself short of losing the 45lbs right before my wedding. I never regretted doing it at all, despite the pain I went through after delivering the kids, that had to be almost as bad as the actual surgery. That and I so wanted a pretty bra for the first time in my life, not some granny panty thing from Sears with the 3 inch bra straps. The first bra I bought was RED!!!
Maybe it was that I bounced back into my regular clothes so soon after having the boys that has made me stick into this funk, that and I am sick of wearing the same 4 pairs of pants, boring wardrobe:p Or the fact that I can't eat most veggies and fruits unless you boil the snot out of them until they are mushy and tasteless.
Oh yeah this is a gooder, you should feel lucky that I put this out there. I think that in this case I looked way better pregnant. This is in January when went on our cruise taken in Ocho Rios Jamaica.
If I looked farther back I have my skinny boob pictures but those are best left in the box with the ex boyfriend. But I do really appreciate the fact that I learned to have my eyebrows waxed so there are 2 not 1 large fuzzy worm. But in the above picture that dress thingy makes me look very boobified doesn't it? hmmmm, odd, that and how did Neil manage to climb those falls with sunglasses on the whole time?
I'll have to ask him...get back to you on that. Enjoy the rambling thoughts that this post has become. Explains my state of mind some hey;)
Thursday, 10 September 2009
Well That Was Odd...
I have been seeing Linda my Psychologist for about 2 years now, I've told her about everything in my life. From my miscarriage in February 2007, to the abuse I suffered at the hands of my boyfriend in 1997/1998. What little I remember of my childhood and how I was growing up, especially my teenage years.
I haven't told my mother this. It took me 1 year, 9 months and 17 days to write the 2 posts prior to this one. And three days to get up the courage to write this one tonight.
Why? you can ask me and I'll tell you. I don't feel I can talk to my mom the way most gals I know can talk to their moms. I always feel like I have to hide that part of me that is hurting away from her so that I don't have to go through the whole, "suck it up and move on" speech that I know will ultimately come from the whole conversation.
I spent last weekend at the lake with my Mom and Dad, both my sisters, my Grandparents (my dad's parents) and my Aunt and Uncle ( my dad's eldest brother) and one of my Cousins. I spent most of that weekend being ignored by my Dad and snubbed by my youngest sister. There was even the one morning where my Dad didn't even say good morning to me when he saw me. I almost felt like I was a burden being up there at all and around them. My mom was resigned to talk to me occasionally as the kids were around and she was talking to them most of the time.
I know that part of the blame lies with me and that I have to fight to break down that barrier, but I also have to ask....WTF did I do that was so bad to have my parents ignore me for the last, oh I don't know, 4 or 5 years or so. They have become so un-involved in my life as to not even be interested at all. I'm not even sure where to start anymore or how to fix it anyway.
Most of the memories I have from my childhood center around that lake lot and what it means to me. I have wonderful memories of it and now they all seem so clouded because of the anxiety I feel when I am anywhere near it and I know what I am about to walk into. I mean who wants to spend an entire afternoon feeling like they aren't wanted. The last time we were up there my sister overheard snide remarks because we were staying over for dinner, without asking if we had anything to contribute or had any plans- which we did and had it organised already hours before Laura and I had talked about supper and what we were doing about it etc- now I had to sit through more of the silent treatment from them.
I'm not sure it's even my Mom that's the whole issue as my Dad is just as bad for ignoring me, even when I try to strike up a conversation it's more of a one word or short sentence and then he's off "working" on some such thing and gone.
Now I ask of you all, where do I go from here? On the off chance that my parents have read this blubbering blather here and are pissed that I have aired the laundry out in "public", how do I move on?
Linda has said that it is up to me to make the decision on what I want to do from here on out, to make it work with them or not. I need a strong support system in place in my life and they aren't it, have never been it for my entire life I have never felt that I could turn to them for anything. So where does this path lead? I'm not sure if I can let go of the fact that now I am in unchartered waters floundering more so than before.
I know I have people I can count on where needed, but I wish I had a mom to turn to, as sad as it sounds.
I haven't told my mother this. It took me 1 year, 9 months and 17 days to write the 2 posts prior to this one. And three days to get up the courage to write this one tonight.
Why? you can ask me and I'll tell you. I don't feel I can talk to my mom the way most gals I know can talk to their moms. I always feel like I have to hide that part of me that is hurting away from her so that I don't have to go through the whole, "suck it up and move on" speech that I know will ultimately come from the whole conversation.
I spent last weekend at the lake with my Mom and Dad, both my sisters, my Grandparents (my dad's parents) and my Aunt and Uncle ( my dad's eldest brother) and one of my Cousins. I spent most of that weekend being ignored by my Dad and snubbed by my youngest sister. There was even the one morning where my Dad didn't even say good morning to me when he saw me. I almost felt like I was a burden being up there at all and around them. My mom was resigned to talk to me occasionally as the kids were around and she was talking to them most of the time.
I know that part of the blame lies with me and that I have to fight to break down that barrier, but I also have to ask....WTF did I do that was so bad to have my parents ignore me for the last, oh I don't know, 4 or 5 years or so. They have become so un-involved in my life as to not even be interested at all. I'm not even sure where to start anymore or how to fix it anyway.
Most of the memories I have from my childhood center around that lake lot and what it means to me. I have wonderful memories of it and now they all seem so clouded because of the anxiety I feel when I am anywhere near it and I know what I am about to walk into. I mean who wants to spend an entire afternoon feeling like they aren't wanted. The last time we were up there my sister overheard snide remarks because we were staying over for dinner, without asking if we had anything to contribute or had any plans- which we did and had it organised already hours before Laura and I had talked about supper and what we were doing about it etc- now I had to sit through more of the silent treatment from them.
I'm not sure it's even my Mom that's the whole issue as my Dad is just as bad for ignoring me, even when I try to strike up a conversation it's more of a one word or short sentence and then he's off "working" on some such thing and gone.
Now I ask of you all, where do I go from here? On the off chance that my parents have read this blubbering blather here and are pissed that I have aired the laundry out in "public", how do I move on?
Linda has said that it is up to me to make the decision on what I want to do from here on out, to make it work with them or not. I need a strong support system in place in my life and they aren't it, have never been it for my entire life I have never felt that I could turn to them for anything. So where does this path lead? I'm not sure if I can let go of the fact that now I am in unchartered waters floundering more so than before.
I know I have people I can count on where needed, but I wish I had a mom to turn to, as sad as it sounds.
Thursday, 12 February 2009
25 Random Things About Me
Alright so after having all the "notes" floating around on Facebook and adding them to my "notes" page I thought I'd add some onto my blog space for those of you without access to my Facebook site....sigh...I don't think I know 25 random things about myself that no one else knows yet. I suppose there may be something but do I really need to put it out there?
1. My middle name is Elizabeth and no I was not named after the Queen, my mom wanted it for my first name and my dad said no. Some disagreement ensued and thus it became a middle name and so I was named Meghan (I do believe there was some discussion about my first name being Margaret? (Thank Heavens they decided not to as I HATE the nickname Maggie)
2. My husband is incapable of saying my name correctly. In fact most people say it wrong. I hate explaining it to anyone as it just makes matters worse. I remember the week before our wedding trying to get Neil to practise..it just made it worse. In the end he still said it wrong and still does, even 10 years later;)
3. I have always sung. I sang in a choir from the age of 11 until 16 and continue to do so but only in a group, never solo. I have done solos but only under duress:) I am very shy and tend to over examine the way I sing. I sing best with my sister Laura:) I also never told my parents I was auditioning for the choir until I was accepted:o
4. I have a passion for musicals and have been to as many as I can and see almost any that have been on film. This is thanks to my mother who passed on her passion of musicals to us. I have passed this passion on to my children who have thus far showed a love of music and I hope they continue to do so in the future.
5. I really do Love Andrew Lloyd Webber live:) And I sang in one of his productions in about 1992/1993ish with my sister and 23 of our choir mates. We auditioned and won the chance to perform in Joseph and The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat with Donny Osmand...No he is not that cute in person:) I even met him and Tim Rice,sorta..kinda hard to meet him in a crowd of 50 kids:)
6. I have always love medicine which is probably why I am a nurse. I have a passion for natural health and would love to pursue a health field in that realm if I could figure out a way to get there from where I am now.
7. I love kids and always wanted 4. I would have another one in a heart beat...don't tell Neil:) Tho last night we did agree to a "kid break" and to discuss it in a year and "see where we are then". Who knows:)
8. I didn't get my drivers license until I was 21, sad I know. By then I was engaged, had purchased my first home and was working full time:o My mother-in-law had her dads car shipped from Toronto on a train for me:)
9. I learned to drive in one weekend in Neil's standard. He took me one Friday morning to get my learners and taught me to drive at the lake on the gravel roads. I refused to take left hand turns and would panic when I had to for weeks for fear of stalling the car:o
10. I made my youngest sister Kelsey take drivers training with me because I was too chicken to take the class by myself at 21 years old:o
11. I graduated from my nursing course in 2001 after 14 months of straight classes. I graduated with a 80% average or B- overall which is better than I ever did in High School:)
12. I have always loved little animals and have always had a hamster. Neil hates them but tolerates them for me. I currently have a Russian Black Bear the boys have named Mickey after my last one Bruin passed away last spring. I think they are cute. I once had one in Junior high that lived to be almost 5! I also had one that got into the outside walls of my parents house...she was wacko.
13. We adopted the two dogs we have. Abby came from our best man in our wedding after he could no longer take care of her. She has numerous mental issues and I think is probably the most expensive animal we will ever have. Tasha our other dog lives with my in laws as she makes me crazy:) She was a pound puppy save, but is a good dog all around.
14. I have been with Neil for almost 10 years now. We met May long weekend 1999. He has always smelled like rubber tires, concrete, sulfur or dirt for as long as I have known him as he has always worked with his hands in an outdoors job.
15. Neil and I got married in September 2003 after being together for 4 years. We were married in the same church his family had attended for many years. He proposed to me at the Legislature grounds after renting a limo, and taking me to La Ronde downtown for dinner. He had even arranged to have his truck picked up and taken back to his place:o
16. Neil and I were surprised to find out I was expecting Nathaniel in November two months after our wedding. I had been told two weeks before we had gotten married I couldn't have kids so this was a complete shock to us. More of a shock to my doctor when I saw him in December and told him I was pregnant:o
17. Our kids are all 21 months apart in age. Born Even months, Odd days, Even Years..get it?
Nathaniel August 7 2004, 08/07/04....Ryan June 29/2006, 06/29/06... Leigha April 03/2008, 04/03/08..very odd that and so is mine Meghan October 17/1980, 10/17/80. The only odd man out is Neil... February 22/1979, 02/22/79.
18. I love text books. I collect them. Especially medical ones that pertain to natural medicine. I love to look up the why to be able to bombard the doctor when I see them.
19. I read all the time and usually have at least 1 or 2 books on the go at any given time. Currently I can be reading any type of book and will read anything that someone gives me. I am easily distracted tho and if it isn't catching in the first 100 pages will put it down again:(
20. I have an intense fear of falling and thus with heights. I dislike bridges and will not cross them if I don't have to. If you ever have to be in a car with me across a bridge..like the high level in Edmonton I tend to speed across it and talk faster than I usually do (I know it's really faster than normal). It came about in grade 6 when I was on a suspension bridge in Nordeg down in Rocky Mountain House and the kids I was with rocked it over a river that was running high and fast...freaked the crap out of me forever. I have had the fear since then. This also applies to man hole covers.
21. I love music. I can usually be found humming or singing. It is not unsual to hear music playing while I am cleaning and especially while I am driving. I have a varied range in my musical taste and love all types of music as long as it gives me goosebumps. I think that all good music should move you in any way..with me it gives me goosebumps, always has. I especially love playing music loud...I'm very sorry for all my neighbours:)
22. I suffer from motion sickness and thus cannot sit in the back seat of a vehicle for any length of time without becoming ill. Makes me a very bad airline passenger, cruise passenger, and backseat passenger. When we travelled to Scotland with my in-laws in 2000 I actually forced my Father-in-law (we weren't even married yet!) to pull over at the next bed and breakfast otherwise I was going to kill him! I was so violently ill that day. Turned out to be a blessing as it was the best place we stayed at the whole trip:)
23. I learned to water ski when I was 12 years old. But I cannot swim as we never learned as kids. Whenever we were in the lake as kids we always had to have life jackets on in the water as soon as the water hit my thighs (I was the oldest kid and the tallest) so thus I never learned to swim properly. I had taken lessons but never farther than the red cross...so third level:o I could probably not get my butt out of the water now on skis if I tried tho:o
24. I love to be outdoors, preferably doing nothing. I am one for being stationary and just being. Reading books outside in the shade while the kids run and burn off energy is my idea of a great time. I am not an active person by nature. Possibly because my job is so active as is my home life. I prefer my down time to be just that...down.
25. I like to think that I am crafty. I may be. I have wonderful ideas and love when they come into fruition. Right now I am scrap booking, plan on teaching myself to sew..big project as I was tossed from a sewing class in high school for asking too many questions. Learning how to make a rag quilt as well as showing my neighbour how to make a fleece blanket for her bed:o (and I thought Carmen was busy:p)
This is just 25 small things about me. I'm amazed at how easy it was. I could probably think of some more, but hey then that wouldn't leave things mysterious:) What about you? Anything about you that I would find interesting?
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