Raining on His Parade

So you know the rough story of my mom and I. How I don't understand her and probably vice versa. We don't talk often and that leaves me in the very awkward position of when I usually need her I am the one calling her. Usually it is for her to watch the kids for me.

I hate doing this. It makes me feel like the only realationship I have with my mother is as a middle man with my kids. I see her by having her watch my kids so I can have some "me" time or get some errands done, if I'm lucky, most times it's due to an appointment or surgeries for Leigha. I very rarely get time for me or errands without dragging them with me. Tho I have to admit as far as kids go mine are very well behaved in public...threats work wonders :p

So my issue is this...tomorrow I have volunteered for Nathaniel's field trip to Greenland Nursery, they are doing a sleigh ride, hot chocolate and planting a winter white bulb. I would really love to go with him and spend time with him, meet his friends, watch him interact with his peers, but I don't have anyone to watch Ryan and Leigha and there are no siblings allowed as it is an outdoor trip.

Over the weekend Neil has his basketball Christmas party and we asked a family friend of ours to watch the kids...apparently my dad called their house while we were away and wondered why we had them watch the kids and not my parents?? I almost don't know how to answer that?

It has been almost 4 months since I physically saw my father let alone spoke to him on a phone. The same goes for my youngest sister, I saw them both on September long when they both pretty much ignored us and acted pretty rude. My mom I saw a few weeks ago when she dropped off some Christmas lights and Advent calendars for the kids before her doctors appointment. Other than that nothing.

Christmas is next week and we currently have nothing planned as of yet. We are waiting to see what happens...What do you think will happen?

We can throw something together but honestly this just isn't right. I just don't know what to do or how to feel let alone how to express to anyone how hurt I am about it all.

And worst of all tomorrow I have to tell my 5 year old son that I can't go on his field trip with him because I was too chicken to call my mother and see if she could watch my kids for me.

Sad...very sad indeed.

Are you Really Sure You Want To See This?

I went out for dinner with Laura last night and we got to talking about all the lovely pictures I take of my children. I really do take lovely pictures and would take nicer ones if I had a better camera don't you think??? (hint, hint!!)

Anyway so she commented that I don't have nearly enought pictures of myself and that I have way too many of the kids. Well yes I do have millions of pictures of my kids doing a multitude of things from playing in the mud to tackling Neil in the yard and trying to ride the dogs like horses. But I will concede the fact that there are few pictures of me. Let me show you that I do not go invisible in front of the camera....

 There is this one, my wedding day September 2003. My Deer in The Headlight Picture. My Dad kept asking me the whole day if I was sure I wanted ot marry Neil. HELL YES!!! I was just nervous about being in front of everyone.

Then the one where I have been drinking lots of wine at the reception I was feeling quite good by then. At least this picture didn't have me waltzing around with my wine glass and the bottle. I even had a bottle at the bar just for me that everytime I walked by our Bar tenders- that I have know for years and are in the ELKS with my dad, uncle, and grandfather- they would top it up for me. Probably helped me get through the night.

Then we have the gift opening the next day in which our Best Man Chris decided it was a good idea- insert BAD- to have our friend Jerry mix his drinks for him. By the middle of the gift opening he was soused and giggling. Hence why I have yellow bells on my head. He could barely walk by the end of it.

I'll admit one thing here a big fat secret I hate my picture being taken. Yeah I do, I admit. I would much rather look at other people and stare at my kids than look at a photo of myself and see my flaws. Well not flaws really just the minor flibs that need to be ironed out. The double chin passed on through the famdamily that type of stuff. It takes time and energy and I lack it right now having to spend most of it on Leigha and her health crap and well I get shoved to the back burner most of the time.

While I can manage to throw myself into some form of respectable if needed at last minuite, I am not usually comfortable as nothing fits and I am self conscious. But then I am hard on myself too as this is only a road bump and my mother always said that it takes 20 years to get rid of the weight your children pack on you. Not sure if that is literal weight or figurative. I'm going for literal.

OOOO, love this one, me at 38+ weeks pregnant with Ryan. Hot June weekend and I get to go to a convention with a bunch of old guys. We had a very very good family friend receiving an honor that night and went for him. But we had to party with the old codgers too. They all sucked- the old farts they all left by 1000- but we had a great time despite. Except my feet:( Poor feet didn't like that night.

In 2002 I bit the bullet and got my boobs done. Not implants :o I had them reduced. I went from a ginormous boonder boobed attack goddess with boobs that were a 48FF down to a 36C. It was hands down the most amazing thing I ever did for myself short of losing the 45lbs right before my wedding. I never regretted doing it at all, despite the pain I went through after delivering the kids, that had to be almost as bad as the actual surgery. That and I so wanted a pretty bra for the first time in my life, not some granny panty thing from Sears with the 3 inch bra straps. The first bra I bought was RED!!!

Maybe it was that I bounced back into my regular clothes so soon after having the boys that has made me stick into this funk, that and I am sick of wearing the same 4 pairs of pants, boring wardrobe:p Or the fact that I can't eat most veggies and fruits unless you boil the snot out of them until they are mushy and tasteless.

Oh yeah this is a gooder, you should feel lucky that I put this out there. I think that in this case I looked way better pregnant. This is in January when went on our cruise taken in Ocho Rios Jamaica.

Meh, I need to find a blind cabana boy and camp out on a secluded beach where no one can see me except for the birds and fish who could care less. So now I have included pictures of me over the last...6 years. At least my husband thinks I'm cute, then of course half this issue is his fault isn't it?? But then I find bald men sexy too;)

If I looked farther back I have my skinny boob pictures but those are best left in the box with the ex boyfriend. But I do really appreciate the fact that I learned to have my eyebrows waxed so there are 2 not 1 large fuzzy worm. But in the above picture that dress thingy makes me look very boobified doesn't it? hmmmm, odd, that and how did Neil manage to climb those falls with sunglasses on the whole time?

I'll have to ask him...get back to you on that. Enjoy the rambling thoughts that this post has become. Explains my state of mind some hey;)

Well That Was Odd...

I have been seeing Linda my Psychologist for about 2 years now, I've told her about everything in my life. From my miscarriage in February 2007, to the abuse I suffered at the hands of my boyfriend in 1997/1998. What little I remember of my childhood and how I was growing up, especially my teenage years.

I haven't told my mother this. It took me 1 year, 9 months and 17 days to write the 2 posts prior to this one. And three days to get up the courage to write this one tonight.

Why? you can ask me and I'll tell you. I don't feel I can talk to my mom the way most gals I know can talk to their moms. I always feel like I have to hide that part of me that is hurting away from her so that I don't have to go through the whole, "suck it up and move on" speech that I know will ultimately come from the whole conversation.

I spent last weekend at the lake with my Mom and Dad, both my sisters, my Grandparents (my dad's parents) and my Aunt and Uncle ( my dad's eldest brother) and one of my Cousins. I spent most of that weekend being ignored by my Dad and snubbed by my youngest sister. There was even the one morning where my Dad didn't even say good morning to me when he saw me. I almost felt like I was a burden being up there at all and around them. My mom was resigned to talk to me occasionally as the kids were around and she was talking to them most of the time.

I know that part of the blame lies with me and that I have to fight to break down that barrier, but I also have to ask....WTF did I do that was so bad to have my parents ignore me for the last, oh I don't know, 4 or 5 years or so. They have become so un-involved in my life as to not even be interested at all. I'm not even sure where to start anymore or how to fix it anyway.

Most of the memories I have from my childhood center around that lake lot and what it means to me. I have wonderful memories of it and now they all seem so clouded because of the anxiety I feel when I am anywhere near it and I know what I am about to walk into. I mean who wants to spend an entire afternoon feeling like they aren't wanted. The last time we were up there my sister overheard snide remarks because we were staying over for dinner, without asking if we had anything to contribute or had any plans- which we did and had it organised already hours before Laura and I had talked about supper and what we were doing about it etc- now I had to sit through more of the silent treatment from them.

I'm not sure it's even my Mom that's the whole issue as my Dad is just as bad for ignoring me, even when I try to strike up a conversation it's more of a one word or short sentence and then he's off "working" on some such thing and gone.

Now I ask of you all, where do I go from here? On the off chance that my parents have read this blubbering blather here and are pissed that I have aired the laundry out in "public", how do I move on?

Linda has said that it is up to me to make the decision on what I want to do from here on out, to make it work with them or not. I need a strong support system in place in my life and they aren't it, have never been it for my entire life I have never felt that I could turn to them for anything. So where does this path lead? I'm not sure if I can let go of the fact that now I am in unchartered waters floundering more so than before.

I know I have people I can count on where needed, but I wish I had a mom to turn to, as sad as it sounds.

And The Next Step Is???

So Now What?

I have asked that of Linda before ( she's my therapist). Now that I have made this or that revelation, where do I go from here? She originally wanted me to go back and write about my childhood, honestly I don't remember alot about it. I can remember fragments, bits and peices usually centered around summers at the lake where we spent most of our time, every year forever.

I remember playing in the lake swimming with my sisters and cousins. Hauling logs out of the trees and to the woodpile for my parents, suppers on the deck, sitting around the fire at night watching the stars and Northern lights.

Other than that I don't remember much, am I blocking things out intentionally? Are there things that I don't want to repeat that I am subconsciously avoiding? I have found myself doing things I can remember my mom doing when I was growing up, cuffing the boys on the side of the head when they don't listen. I feel horrid doing it, having my hand on the back of their shoulders when we are out in a busy place and using it to steer then through. Comments that I make that everytime they pass my lips I cringe as I notice I sound exactly like my mother.

I don't want to be like her. I don't mean that in a bad way. I love my kids and tell them that every night no matter what. I don't remember my parents eversaying that to me in years, so many I can't even tell you how long it's been. I just don't want to be that person that has pushed everyone away to the point that there is no one left.

But I can hope that talking about it and sharing the fear makes it have less control over me. I know that loving myself is a start too.

And if my sister and I are the two examples of the good that has come out of the home we grew up in. Then I guess we didn't turn out half bad;)

And I do have 3 incredibly amazing kids and a wonderful husband of 6 years. A sister who loves me unconditionally and a network of friends who are there to support me through it all.

And the Heavens Shall Rain Tears Of Sorrow on This Day

A friend of ours lost his mother today. I am heartbroken over the fact that he has lost his mother and is now having to face the fact that he has to say goodbye to the woman that raised him, held him when he was hurt or scared. Wiped his tears when he cried, held his hand the first day of school. His mother was a truly amazing woman. I only knew her a brief time in the 10 years I have been with Neil. I remember her making a cake for Neil on his birthday, a huge chocolate cake with chocolate icing and chocolate everything. The most scrumptious thing you have ever imagined.

And now she is gone.

I hate that word, gone. Yes she is gone, in body, but she does live on in her spirit. In the way that she loved those around her. Her faith in her family , her spiritual faith. I am thankful her long battle is over and she is at peace, but I will miss her, if only for the fact that we now have another friend who has lost his mother and is now grieving that loss. Their family is in my thoughts tonight as they have been these past few days.

How do you help someone work through grief? I know the stages of grief, that different types of people grieve different ways. But how does one help someone who has lost their mother?

Maybe it's because I am not very close with my own mother that I am finding it difficult to put into words what my heart is feeling. I don't often talk about my extended family outside of my middle sister Laura. It's complicated to explain it all. I have memories of when my Nana passed and how that affected my family and myself in particular, I have that to share when it comes to grief, but how do I empathize with this? I've been with families that have lost loved ones and given them comfort through their time of sorrows.

I was raised to the belief that if you had a problem go away and deal with it, come back when you are done. Don't be angry, hormonal, or judgemental or you won't be allowed around. This is not a place ( this being anywhere there were adults around) for kids even if you are over 18, you are still a kid once you are married, have 3 kids and a home of your own, own your own car, have gone to college, are successful etc.... You don't have your own mind or thoughts and everything you say gets shot down as soon as it passes your lips.  So what does that say about how I percieve love? And how does that then trickle down into how I portray that to my kids? I wasn't raised in a faith comunity and was able to make decisions in that as I was older, never pressured by my parents to attend this or that church or this or that assembly. I was taught to accept each person as an individual no matter their beliefs or practices.

So how do I approach the fact that I feel like my parents have forgotten how to love me? To love me for the woman that I am and the woman I have become. To be proud of everything I have accomplished in my life. To look at me and see what I have done with my life, to be happy for me. To actually look at me and see ME.  The real me not the farce that I put on when I am out of my element and pretending to be someone I am not. To pull down the walls that have been driven up and not be judgemental or critical. To actually be listened to and not shut down for having a thought. Believed that I may actually know something every once in a while, I may be right.

This is a topic that I have discussed in varying degrees with many people in my life, my sister, Neil, Caughleigh. I know that other members of the family have picked up on the tremors of how do you say it, not unrest but unsaid words between us that seem to be hanging in the air like crows waiting to dive in and take their turn. But how do you talk about something that has been going on for so many years that you are not even sure of  where to start?

It has taken me a long time to finally admit to myself and be able to post this, as difficult as I can imagine it is to follow. The rambling thoughts across the screen of someone with a troubled mind searching for answers and not finding them. I am jealous of the mother/daughter relationships that some of my friends have with their own moms, they are able to turn to them at the drop of a hat and tell them anything. I know that mine says that she is but then there is that voice in the back of my mind saying...I don't think so. Have I set myself up for a fall here? Am I asking for retribution? Asking for a fight? No, I think it is the next step in healing for me. Getting it out of my head. I know I can't change who my parents are, but I can change the type of parent I am, and am going to continue to be.

I was asked the question the other day by Lost in Transition of "what makes you laugh the most?"  I honestly had to think on it for a few days. I laugh pretty easily once I get going for the most part. I am not tickleish and being part Scottish, get some wine into me and I'm a goner once I start giggling. Usually I like to be in a small group and don't like bigger crowds of people. I don't like being the center of attention. Neil has always been able to make me laugh usually with some sort of stupid joke. When I was working nights a few years back...like 7, before we were even married, I can remember one night in particular. I couldn't sleep, I was just coming off of a 5 night streatch and it happened to fall over a weekend which meant I was able to stay over at Neil's place (oh how awful, we weren't even married yet :o ). So anyway about 3 am or so I can remember Neil rolling over onto his back and he must have smacked me or something because he woke me up, it was then I remember him mumbling something under his breathe. Here, I'll re-enact it for you, it's better this way...


schwak...Neil hits Meghan in the eye with his elbow

M: what the heck!!!, Neil roll over you just elbowed me in the eye!!! shoves Neil over with both hands

N: mumble, blah, mmmmm, You know I've never

M: Neil are you awake??

N: You know I don't know if there is a world record?

M: Huh??? a world record for what??

N: for balancing toilet paper rolls on your head....

M: giggle, snort, snort, Neil are you awake?

stab Neil's side and he jolts awake, and at this point Meghan explodes into full out snorts and tears and can barely get the story out about the toilet paper rolls and the balancing act.

Now when I told that to my mom, she merely smiled and rolled her eyes. Laura on the other hand thought it was hillarious. So it seems that maybe I do have a sense of humor...only in the wee hours of the night when no one else sane is awake :o I also have another joke involving Potatoes, but I'll save that for another day.

Enough of the downer for today, thank you for listening to me. I know nothing changes itself overnight. But maybe I have finally done what my therapist has been asking me for over a year to do, write it down....hmmm maybe she's onto something???

Smidget Update

Not that I have much to update on from last night. Leigha is still running a high fever and the blue spells are starting to become more frequent. She's had about 20 today and it's only 3pm. She doesn't seem uncomfortable at all and isn't having labored breathing apart from her "normal" breathing which continues to be fast and shallow. Last night was really rough tho. I have moved the baby monitor to the bedside again so I can listen to her breathing while I am "asleep". I use the term loosely as I don't think I slept more than 6 hours if that. She was up at least 4 times last night, I had Neil get up with her at least once, I had hit a wall and was too tired to get up anymore. We gave her Motrin around the clock last night every 4 hours to try and get her fever under control. It is getting as high as 44 at night, and she has the shakes from it in the morning. I felt so sorry for her. I know that I really should have taken her into the hospital, but I also know that if I had they would have said for me to give her Tylenol every 4 hours and follow up with my family doctor...I work for them, I hear it all the time. I would rather follow that advice at home and have her see someone that knows her complex medical history and deal with it then. I am thinking of having her admitted and having them run the full testing of the heart, lungs etc to rule it all out and see once and for all what the heck is going on. If it is an AV Shunt then we need to look into it and possibly repair it before she dies from it. My MIL who is a very brilliant woman has done a bunch of research for me on this and believes that Leigha has a specific form of AV Shunt known as a PDA. I usually hate it when people go into a doctors office having researched an illness on the Internet and think they have this illness or another, it usually proves to be inaccurate. In this case however I am beginning to think she may be right. Leigha has many of the signs and symptoms of this and it may also be part of the reasons why she continues to have the swallowing issues...maybe the surgery has worked and this is the cause of the swallowing problems??? I won't know unless I ask right?? There are no stupid questions right? And if she doesn't have it then GREAT lets move on to something else then. We ruled out the Cystic Fybrosis (at least I'm assuming it's negative..they never called me in to say otherwise so it must have been...I may be in for a shock tomorrow if it is). So lets move this train along and find out some more stuff. Leigha has had and ECG and the four lomb Blood Pressures by the cardio we saw in January but according to the info on the PDA it can be missed if it a small leak and will show up on a Heart Echocardiogram. It's worth a try right? I plan on sitting with the monitor by my bed tonight listening to my baby breathe, counting her laboured breaths and hoping that she continues to do so until tomorrow. I am praying that we get to the bottom of this before it's too late.I wish that she didn't have to go through all of this. I want my happy baby back!!! It wasn't supposed to be like this, it wasn't supposed to be this hard. She was supposed to come home with us and grow up to be healthy and happy. Not have to live with these problems, have to live on thickeners and mashed foods, and yogurt. Constantly watched and monitored to see that she doesn't drink anything to avoid a possible pneumonia. Always watching her weight, multiple doctors visits, people poking and prodding at her, strangers faces, and all the doctors asking the numerous questions over and over again yet getting no further in the diagnosis of WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HER! Am I seriously over reacting here? Am I losing my marbles? ( I can't lose what I don't have right!) I would just like to finally sleep a full night without worrying about finding her dead in her crib, or have to spend the day watching her struggle to breathe and watching her turn blue in front of our eyes. It's not right I tell you, just not right.

Will it Ever Be Answered??

(I know I've used this picture before but you have to admit she is really cute with her and Gack!)

Smidget is sick...AGAIN!!! and since it's her, it's not the average got a cold will be better in a few days sick. It's the running the 40 degree fever and not eating,, gagging, puking, waking up at all hours crying and only wanting mommy. Not that I mind her wanting me at all, it's just I wish once and for all we had an answer to all this mess and mayhem. I am sick an tired of watching her struggle to breathe, watching her turn blue at regular intervals even more now.

She has begun to have the cyanotic (blue spells) up to 8-10 times daily now and they are taking so much longer to resolve on their own. She seems to be in slight distress but not enough for me to take her into emergency and declare it a medical emergency as she isn't crying or fighting for breath just blue in the mouth, nose, hands and feet. I know what my schooling taught me, cyanosis is a sigh of a medical emergency, but I also know my home town hospital that if I take my plump little girl in there they will take one look at her and declare that there is nothing wrong with her and send us home again with less answers than what we have now and nothing gained but more frustration.

We are listening to her on the monitor and can hear her rapid shallow breaths, up to 45 in one minute ( and that's in a good moment) sometimes more. I can't even tell you what her pulse is, she won't even let me touch her with a stethoscope to listen. I don't know where to turn or what to do. I know in my heart there is something wrong but how do I get it through to the doctors?? How do you explain it to them that you think they have overlooked something and that she may be in more trouble than it looks? I mean how many chest infections and fevers does one little girl have to have before someone gets the hint that there is something drastically wrong with the whole picture here?

I mean do I actually have to walk in on my baby girl dead in her crib to actually get a response from someone?? I am at a loss as to why this is happening. I want answers, I want her to feel better and I want her to thrive and not be the sickly little girl that she is becoming before my eyes. Is it normal for a 13month old little girl to still be on only thickened formula and sometimes apple juice, and eating only small amounts of beginner toddler food? She can only tolerate yogurt and soft consistencies ,dry cereal, and sometimes she can eat pasta without gagging...someone needs to look farther into this whole thing and see what's been missed, this is NOT NORMAL.

I mean her last surgery was in January and no one has looked into this since then. She's had two bouts of aspiration pneumonia since then, she runs low grade fevers of 39 Celsius off and on all the time and is losing weight. She went from 22lbs 10 1/4 oz in January to 19 lbs 8 1/4 oz May 5th that's almost a 3lb loss, way too much in my opinion if she was a healthy kid she should be gaining not losing, at least not a drastic amount especially when we have been trying to get her gaining it, not losing it.

Tell me this, am I over reacting or something? Am I expecting too much from the doctors? expecting them to get to the root of the problems and help me fix her and make her better before I have to see her worse off than she is now?

A New Day

So this weekend turned into a bust of not enough weekend and too much to do. With Neil working late nights all week last week we haven't seen much of him around the house so when the weekend hit we really put it to good use and kept him busy with some family time. Friday night once he got home we went for dinner with his mom to Boston Pizza with the kids and then he treated me to a movie out...let me just say "Taken" with Liam Neason is definitely one to add to the must see list. I LOVED it. I was on the edge of my seat and cannot wait for it to be released on Blu-ray so we can buy it and watch it again.

It was nice to get out and have a date together. Something that doesn't happen too often for us during the winter months with basketball and us having the kids still so young. We had a chance to have a drink before the movie and really enjoyed talking in the relative quiet of a restaurant without reminding someone about manners:o

Saturday Neil and I had so much to get done and ended up spending an awesome day with the boys out on the town. We have a rule in the house that once the kids are fully potty trained they get to pick a toy from the store. Our kids don't get alot of toys so for them this is a big thing. Ryan hit his mile stone a few weeks back and has been talking about a Power Ranger for at least that long so Saturday morning we got out and headed to Zellers for him to pick out his toy. It wouldn't have been fair of course to not allow Nathaniel to not have a toy either as last time Ryan did get as well even tho he didn't hit any "mile stone" so Nathaniel chose a GI Joe. Kinda funny to see toys that Neil and I had in our childhood making a huge comeback again. We saw things like GI Joe and The Hulk, of course Batman is always popular. I think Nathaniel changed his mind at least a dozen times before Neil made him choose between two toys or we would have been there forever.

After spending at least forever wandering through the two aisles of Zellers searching for just the right toy for Nathaniel while Ryan totted his Power Ranger around, I had an evil thought to drag three unsuspecting boys/men (ha) to the fabric store to full fill my desire of something to do. Of late Nathaniel has sprouted at least 3 inches thus leaving a 2-3 in gap at the bottom of all his pj's making it look like at any point Noah and his Ark may soon appear and take him away. So I dragged them across town and tore through the fabric like a mad woman. If I was to know that I would reappear two hours later I would have sent Neil to McDonald's or something:o I felt horrid that I had taken so long. Nathaniel came in and help choose the material and then I had the best woman in the store over to help answer any questions I had...I had millions, from what pattern was best, to fabric choices, needles, bobbins, on and on. I bought a book as well:

It is hands down one of the best investments I have made in a long time. I have answered some of the dumbest questions (ha) that I had already. I am almost ready to begin cutting the pattern out. I have to preshrink and color set that one fabric that Nathaniel chose then I should be good to go. I then have to iron it out and set the pattern out to figure out what size I will need. I figure this will probably be the toughest part as I will then need to have my 4 year old son stand still for about 5 mins whilst I measure him...may be trying. I was amazed at the fabric costs too. I saved about 35.00 with my fabricland card and was so happy as I will probably have enough to make doll clothes with the scraps in the end:) So Later on I shall take some pics of my new aquirements as I begin my new hobby:)

I'm so very excited...I've never done anything this technical before. I got thrown out of a sewing class in grade 10 for asking too many questions so this should be excting. Thank goodness I have a really good fabric store with really helpful ladies init:) Wish me luck and I'll keep you up to date on my progress:)

Sometimes I Wish

I've been thinking lately that I could lock my blog. You know the blog I wrote last week about the friends? Well the #2 commented. I figured she would. Well She said all the things I knew she would and I replied by email to her. Told her this was my space to work things out in my head. And if she didn't like it well then don't read it. I'm not going to try and fix something I don't think can be fixed. Or more to the point don't want to fix anymore. I think it is a toxic relationship on both our parts. We are not going to make it work. Things were said that can't be unsaid and I'm done with it all. I'm not going to tender foot around it all for the next ten years and pretend that it is all okay. I won't for the sake of my family. And more importantly myself. I was probably a little hot headed when I replied to it an should have waited for Neil to read it, but I think it's time to just let it go. And if she doesn't like what I write here then...DON"T READ IT!!! Maybe it's time for me to become a new me. Someone who doesn't need to make others happy first??? No that's not really me. But I do need to make me come first and the health of my family too.

Regarding Friends

So I've given it some thought since last night. That and I've spoken to my sister which always gives me another perspective on things. About friend number two....when it comes to the whole suicide thing. It really is none of my business what happened to her or what choices she made in her life. Those were her choices to make and thus they have nothing to do with me and I shouldn't make them any concern of mine. I was making it too personal and making it about me which I shouldn't have done. It wasn't fair to her and thus I think it clouded my thoughts at the time. I shouldn't have taken something that was about her and internalized it. I think maybe I am basing it on the fact that I truly am regretting choosing her as Nathaniel's Godmother in that she just doesn't want to be a part of his life in any component of it. He is now 4 and a half years old and in the past year she has seen him twice. Wikipedia defines a Godparent as: Traditionally, the godparents were counted informally responsible for ensuring that the child's religious education was carried out and for caring for the child should he/she be orphaned. Today the word "godparent" may not have explicitly religious overtones. The modern view of a godparent tends to be an individual chosen by the parents to take an interest in the child's upbringing and personal development . As a Godparent I believe you are to be a model for a child, someone to look up to and guide them through life. Be someone they can look up to and trust. Someone to help them through life's challenges that they can turn to when they can't stand their parents;) I remember the day of Nathaniel's baptism (it was my 24th birthday too) it was so surreal standing up in the front of the church listening to the words of our minister, the same man that married us, did Neil's first Holy Communion. It was very special to us. Makes me wonder if it felt the same to her at the time and what made it all change. Maybe it's because I don't feel I can trust her myself that I feel these regrets. I have a hope that in the future we can move forward and put whatever was said or unsaid behind us and move on. I know we may never have the same level of trust again but then do you ever after feelings have been hurt?

Wednesday

Today is Wednesday. Just another day of the week. but as the month of February draws closer to and end so does my maternity leave and so does the extra source of income for Neil and myself. It leaves me in a sort of quandary. Not the sort of place I really want to be right now. I have yet to find a job where I can be in two places at once. Taking Leigha to the multitude of appointments that spring up out of thin air each month and work. Why don't they make jobs more attainable for mother's? I know I'm not the only mom out there who has this issue of trying to pull herself into five million different directions and still hold onto the thin line of sanity that she still maintains:o (mine is slowly and surely drying up as we speak). This week I have been tyring to work on my resume:o The boys in their chaos streaks over the past few months somehow found the floppy disk that my resume was on and mangled it beyond repair so now no resume:( So now I sit in front of the computer daily and try to work on it....so not working. I seem to have forgotten what I have done these past 5 years since I had kids:( I thought about trying to see if I could track down a copy of one that I may have given out at a job interview...but where? I live in a small community, someone may have one here....maybe. Or perhaps it's in the computer dragon somewhere I haven't looked yet? Nope I found a recipe for Carmen's cookies she had in her blog at Christmas time...been meaning to make them again but haven't. I think I even printed the recipe but in case I hadn't still have the recipe on the computer:( HA had a thought, I really need to learn more about computers. I'll do a search:) May not find anything but then again...maybe I will. I think I may have to write this one off as a loss for today. My brain is not up to the challenge. That and the kids are not up to playing nicely for more than 30 seconds together today. It's just not my day. Perhaps tomorrow will be it. Until then I shall keep you posted on the resume hunt. If anyone knows how to find my missing brain cells please let me know. I sorely miss them and would like them back. Or perhaps you can't miss what you never had??

The Start of a New Year...

It always makes you think on the first official day of the New Year, what you would really like to do and what "resolutions" you need to get through yet another 365 days.

Today I am thoughtful..a good word I think. Thoughtful in that I am trying to make the effort to move on and forge ahead in my own hopes and dreams. Instead of talking about it I really want to move on and become that person that I see when I close my eyes. The only problem I have is how to get there:)

I'm not sure how to start, and even where to start either. I have this long list of things I want to accomplish and not sure what the jumping off point is. Is everyone so indecisive when it comes to their future?

Onto better things for now..Here are some photos of our Christmas holidays:)

Ryan too pooped to party on Christmas Eve:) He had been fighting with Nathaniel and wandered away from time-out. I found him asleep in the living room about 5 mins after time-out started:)

My middle sister Laura and her boyfriend Graham. They have known each other since junior high:) So cute together...And I know she'll hate me for saying that:) Neil and Leigha at my Mom and Dad's on Christmas Eve. We had gone to the early service at church in order to attend my parents Christmas Eve open house. My baby sister Kelsey and her long time beau Ed. Very cute together too:)

Nathaniel on Christmas Day with his new Leapster game Star Wars. He was so very excited he promptly asked if he could play it:)

Grandma and Leigha on Christmas morning:)

Leigha "helping" open her presents. I spent more time removing wrapping paper from her mouth than I did snapping pictures of the chaos:)

Ryan and Nataniel found the largest gift and attacked that one first:) A Gas Station and Car Wash set for their cars:) Ryan anxiously waiting for Neil to open the Vet kit we bought him. He was very excited that it came with a dog to fix all better:)

Ryan introducing "ABBY" his new black lab puppy to our Abby. I'm not too sure our Abby was too impressed by the meeting, she had her own gifts to occupy her at the time:) Ryan tried to get his Abby to eat the dog bones too and was pretending with the dog trying to get the bone away from Ab. He succeeded at one point and Abby promptly lead him away and then returned to the "forgotten" bone that the stuffed Abby had left behind.

So that's our Day, I'll have pictures of our family dinner on Boxing Day tomorrow. I managed to get everyone around our table to have a nice sit down meal:) We still had way too much food but great conversation.