From The Stollery...Again, In Tune This Time!!!

So I'm still here or rather, we both are. It seems that despite the fact that I have conversations with everyone and their dog about what the plans are once we get to some such stage...nothing apparently ends up in Leigha's chart and can then get done.

So here we remain until tomorrow. It wasn't until this afternoon that I finally managed to get a doctor's order to get the Morphine discontinued and then we could actually discuss the removal of the IV and then they very smelly arm restraints that support the IV. After 5 days it was rather ripe. But my little gal is a trooper, and besides being takne off of the main pain contorl that she has had since Tuesday of last week, she is surprisingly happy, most of the time.

Last night was a bit horrid to say the least, we had a rough go as I had just got her to sleep and then had someone (a nurse that couldn't be quiet, and decided that instead of asking me to find the probes, rooted around and woke her), and then she partied until midnight. I am thusvery tired and grumpy and could really use a break from this. I want to go home to my own bed.

Tomorrow!!

So we have no IV. The remaining "thing" as such would be to somehow get the dietician to actually write the bolus order down on a piece of paper instead of air so that we can do it. I was under the impression that she would be having half feeds ( half sterile water/ half Pediasure ) for 24hours with a titre up by 5 mL every 3 hours starting at 10mL, until we hit 45mL. Then once we hit 24h we switch to full strength for 24h, then we begin to do 3h on feed/ 1h off to work towards a bolus mainly at night times for the larger amounts. Not sure the actual "strategy " for that but I get the jist.

I'm not sure where it went awry but plan on jumping on the dietician tomorrow and getting it in writing, then promptly running downstairs to get a pump to run her on as I do NOT want to do gravity this time. She is already retching with the continuous feeds, I would hate to see what bolus gravity would do.

That's the rant for tonight. I am almost through half of the first season of  "Heros", very entertaining I must say and I think I may have to buy season 2 just to see what happens to everyone.

I will have pictures of the stoned baby and the progress to now for you when I get to a real computer.

Smidget's New Lease...

We are two days post surgery and things are suprisingly looking good. Leigha is amazing us in so many ways.

Tuesday morning we had to be at the hospital for 630am, which meant waking her up at 530 to arrive there on time, including the walk through the hospital and admitting time, etc. It was alot of hurry up and wait. She went in at 930, and this time Neil went in with her. Unfortunatly he had the same experience with her in anesthesia and surgery that I had the first time, with them putting her out and then whisking her away and pushing him out the door, literally pushing him out. This time tho we did know where to wait for her. After 3 hours we finnaly got to see our spaced out monkey, flying high as they wheeled her onto the ward in a stroller higher than the Beatles on any one of their records.

After a pretty quiet first afternoon and night I was up for a big surprise on Wednesday when she promptly decided for none of this lazing around in bed stuff, "I want out!!!" and then she promptly tried for the next..oh 3 hours to climb the rails. I finally was able to get her into a stroller and out onto the ward for a bit until it got to be a work trying to haul the pole with the pumps and tubes and steer the stroller with one hand. I mean I'm talented and all but not that talented.

She managed by about 830 last night to work herself into a tizzy and from about 845 until midnight switched between flat out screaming "MAMMA!!!" at the top of her lungs with huge crocodile tears and, and then quick as a wink smiling and making kissing noises at you. It's funny how morphine affects little people. I spent alot of last night pawning her off onto the nursing staff as I had had enough of her by about 9pm, and even calls to Neil couldn't make me not want to sell her to a travelling gypsy show. I know it was lack of sleep and stress on both our parts and am glad I was able to step away for a time and take a breather. She finally settled at about midnightish (1230 but who's clock watching), and once I finally got settled into my recliner (yes I got a lovely recliner chair to sleep in, it was oh so comfy), I think I managed about 4 good hours of sleep before first rounds began. Needless to say I am very sleep deprived and retarded.

Today we managed to cut down her morphine by 1mgm, and we added another pain killer (Toradol) to the mix to help get rid of the itchiness that she had been experienceing because of the Morphine, gotta love side effects. Leigha decided she didn't like the catheter they had inserted so managed to break it and make it leak everywhere so that came oout this afternoon, prompting the removal of the epidural at about 4pm as well. This is all a day earlier than originally planned. Our surgeon has already removed part of her staples and the incision looks amazing!! and her tube site is great. If we can keep the hole round for the next 4-6 weeks we will be laughing!!!

The next steps will be a walk in the park I think in comparison to this. Despite the fact that we have to now completly limit her oral feeds, so no more solids unless they are smushy (pasta, or anything not liquid at room temperature and smushy that we know she'll eat...so pasta and rice...and MiniGo's), and she can now only have thickened liquids 2-3 oz at a time spaced every 2-3 hours apart to avoid aspiration and further complications.

It's going to be an interesting few weeks coming up but I can already see how this is making her feel. She is already looking so pink in the cheeks and she hasn't gone blue yet (tho I think by writing it I jinxedit) and other than the 2 d-sats to 80% when her oxygen levels fell abruptly last night and today, she has been great with her numbers on the monitors.

I'm home right now and have sent Neil into the trenches until I can go back tomorrow and sit with her. I need to sleep for real and have a break to recharge. I'll be back later with phots of monkey, I have some cute ones of her spaced out trying to feed her dolly :p Totally cute.

New Fun Things

Considering the fact that lately all my posts have driveled about "Leigha", not that she isn't the cutest kid on the block (trust me she is, apart from the boys she is the only girl on our block therefore making her the cutest by elimination), but I'm getting a bit tired of being all worked up about something that I can't change nor control.

So instead I have decided to spend a whole crap load of money and make my own Christmas cards.

This is the part where everyone should be laughing. I mean, I can scrapbook like a fiend but if you'd care to look through my albums you would note that they are all amost all the same lay out with maybe some tilted the opposite direction or some cut diagonally!!! OMG I mean what was I thinking when I did that :o But lately I have been thinking about what I could do that would keep my hands busy and also my brain to a point, in comes Christmas cards.

In the years past I have bought the store bought ones or a few years ago I bought some that Carmen had made as a fundraiser. I love the look of them but considering the fact that I include a letter in my cards I found the prospect of making my own cards a bit too much especially once my house included three very active kids. Insert the long hours and shift work and I was out buying the pre-made cards faster than paint can dry on my walls.

So this past weekend I towed my mother-in-law ans Leigha out to Michael's to see what they had for Christmas card "things". I could have dropped at least 200.00 in that store ( I came close with 138.00), but I got some stamps so that explains that. But stamps are reusable so I will have them for next year should everything work out and these ones don't suck.

Then things progressed and I have seemed to go further in my thoughts this past weekend. On my way to work with my little gal I pass this discount fabric store and I always wonder what is inside those doors?? Well today I answered my own question, big mistake. I think I will be going there pretty regularily for the next little bit. I found the hidden stash of fleece and can now make the throws I want for our basement family room. That and I found a whole lot of Christmas fabric so I can make some Christmas gift bags as well. I mean if I can make a library bag that doesn't fall apart then I can surely make a Christmas gift bag or 10.

So I'm thinking that while I waste away in the Stollery waiting for Leigha and rather than sitting by her bedside doing nothing as she sleeps and heals, I shall be busy making Christmas cards and cutting fabric for gift bags.

Keep in mind that this may all end up being a load of crap and turn out quite awful. But I can hope that I have some creativity and can think of some neat cards, and honestly a gift bag is only a rectangle with a draw string.

I've pawned the boys again onto my mother-in law. I think the woman must loves me or something, that or she just really likes my kids.

It's been a very long week with trying to get this H1N1 vaccination for everyone and keep Leigha away from all the germy people in the area including the hospitals and clinics where they are administering the vaccines. We managed yesterday to get Ryan and Leigha partially vaccinated for the H1N1 or Piggy as I am calling it yesterday. Poor Leigha tho, I am feeling for her, she had her regular 18 month vaccinations done on Wednesday with the three vaccinations, two in her arms and one in her leg, then yesterday the Piggy in the upper arm again. The poor girl is hurting today. She has a raised area on both her upper arms and it's warm with a quarter sized red area on it. She won't let anyone touch her arms and is going around asking everyone to kiss the "owey". I wish I could capture her saying "owey" as she makes the cutest faces when she says it. Oh well.

So we had pre-admission clinic yesterday as well. I can't believe that it's 11 days until she goes in. We were able to do all the height/weight stuff and meet with the anesthesia as well so I was able to ask about her pain management which was one of our big concers.

She is going to have an epidural catherter inserted into her tailbone and passed up into her spinal canal to just about level with her diaphragm. So combined with Morphine she should be comfortable. They plan on keeping her pretty sedated for 2-3 days before weaning her off the meds and seeing how she does. My mother-in-law is not too pleased with the fact that she will be on morphine, I'm not sure if she thinks it's too much or not neccessary but as long as she isn't in pain and not snowed completely then Neil and I are fine with the decision. I don't want her to be in massive amounts of pain. I remember what it's like to have my abdomen ripped open and sewed back together again, it sucks, and try being 18 months old. No thanks.

We have the pre-surgical x-ray completed already too so all we need to do on the 17th is show up. I have asked Neil to take the day off so he will be there with me and Laura has offered to take the day off to be there for moral support and sanity control as well. I'm going to need it. I've already told Neil he will go in with her while they put her under, I'll be in no shape to do it. I'm already having nightmares about weird things ( a plane crashe and me trying to outrun it with the kids in the van, and that was the one I can remember), so I know I'm stressed enough about it without having to worry about cracking in the OR.

Leigha found one of the dolls that my Nana bought me when I was a little girl. She sat on our bed with the doll and her teddy and was putting receiving blankets on them and putting them to bed. I snapped this photot when she wasn't looking.

So in other matters not concerning the Piggy flu and my daughter's upcoming surgery. I finally got around to semi decorating Leigha's bedroom. About 3 weeks after she was born and once I could actually stand vertical for longer than 5 mins without fainting I convinced Neil to take me shopping to buy a layette for Leigha. Come on I had a girl, now I could buy something pink and frilly!! So I bought this container of butterflies but never got around to putting them up because of the horrid blue that keeps seeping through the pink on her walls. Last weekend I finally gave up the whole paint issue deciding that I could remove the flutterflies at any point and re-apply them again once I decide what color to paint, the design and so on and so forth. Leigha was quite excited when I brought out the "rincesses" to put on her walls and kept running out to Neil to haul him into her room to point at them. Those too I had sitting in her closet since she was about, oh 2 months old or so....I've had alot to do since she's been born give me a break here!!

 The "Flies" as Leigha calls them. When she sits on the change table she points at them and usually yells "flies" at the wall very excitedly. My change table incidently, before you all think I'm nuts, was made for me by my youngest sister Kelsey who is also Leigha's Godmother. It is made to my height so that when I stand in front of it my kids are level with the top of my stomach. It also has a drawer but the track fell off on one side and I haven't got around to fixing it yet...sometime.

Leigha's mounting assortment of stuffies. Heaven forbid she shouldn't have a certain one at bedtime and "bankie". Ryan was into "boose" the Moose and Nathaniel was never into a specific object or toy when he was younger. Leigha is so much into it all, and it varies depending on her mood. Notice how they are all piled up on top of one another, that's because there are so many they all fall off onto the floor if I don't throw them up and pray they don't fall down again. My bet is that by the time she gets out of the Stollery she will have at least 3 more to add to the collection. Oh and the towel that she has for a curtain, isn't it pretty? eventually she will have curtains, it's on "the list".

The wall where I plan on putting her wall unit. Seeing as she has two brothers she is going to need somewhere to put her dolls and barbies, mainly so her brothers don't decapitate them all or some other such nonsense. It is inevitable that they will do something horrid to her dolls, they are boys but I can try and stem it a bit by some forethought...right??

Anyway so now I have her room girlified, sorta. I'm hoping that once she is home from the Stollery later this month I can go buy the unit for her wall, shelves, and she really needs a bigger dresser. And I'm thinking that by Christmas she may be ready to move into a big girl bed.

Then, and I am so pround of this!! I have actually gone and sewn something and have had it not crumple into a million peices. It actually works the way it is supposed to, and it looks good too!!. I made a library bag for Nathaniel's books for school. And it's fully lined in black felt with a draw string!!. I didn't use a pattern even tho I have at least 2, but winged it. I need to make another one in case he takes out larger books as this one is only 12x16 and he needs one at least 16x20. I have lots of fabric left so it's not an issue. I'm just so darn pleased with myself!! and I've not sewn a stitch since grade 10 when I got thrown out of that sewing class :p

I'm also totally cool with my 5 year old!!!! And my 3 year old wants one just like it....only in blue.

Have a great night and I'll be back tomorrow with my attempt at doll diapers and an update on our nanny hunt that began last weekend, more on that tomorrow when I have more of a brain...this post is long enough already.

A Big Kafuffle

Today is November 1st, a beautiful day, we turned the clocks back and got to be confused for an entire day as we slowly clue in to what clocks in our homes aren't turned to the correct times..."oh wait is that one right or not?".

An extra hour of sleep for those of us that are able to shut out the noise of the house around us and pull the covers back over our heads. Futsing and mucking around putting things away and preparing for the winter's inevitable arrival and with that arrival the "official" arrival of cold and flu season. You only have to live in a box to miss the going on about the H1N1 flu crisis and the "World Wide Pandemic" and trust me I know that there is going to be a Pandemic I am not insane enough to stick my head in the sand and think "nah, not here it's only in those other over populated areas that it happens in, like China or Mexico...dirty places". HA!! HAHAHA!! It happens next door, in your churches, schools, grocery stores. People that you see everyday are being stricken down with this flu and may in some instances kill them if they are ill or frail enough when it hits them

We are 16 days until Leigha's surgery day as of today. 16 days, that's not very long when it seems like a month ago I was heralding it across cyber space.  A mere 16 days until I hand over my 18 month old daughter and have someone I barely know open her up and hopefully make her a bit better. But now I am faced with this new reality of, what if taking her into the hospital where she is supposed to be getting healthy and better may end up having her get more ill and possibly dying?

I know the actual dying part is farfetched in reality but there have been 3 children in the past few weeks that I have heard of that have died because of the H1N1 virus. I need to be practical and know that yes it can happen.

Tonight I heard from my sister that the Flu clinics in Alberta have been shut down until further notice because of a shortage of H1N1 serum and no additional information will be available until Tuesday November 3rd. I am now faced with the reality that Leigha will not have the immunity even if she should receive the vaccine. I also know that the regular flu shot available is not going to do anything when it comes to fighting the H1N1 flu virus so there is really no point in getting that one at this point in time.

So how am I to keep my family healthy and safe? Well short of isolation precautions and sterilizing my entire house, which despite being majorly insane of me would be awfully tiring, I am going to try and encourage or, well lets say...persuade, it's a nice word. No one who is sick is allowed to step one toe into my home while Leigha is here until at least December. I also want to buy face masks and hand sanitizers but realize that face masks are a little much.

I'm going to try and not worry about something I truly cannot control. If the government, who we know are complete morons when it comes to organising anything cannot get this right then I am going to have to do what I can to ensure that my family stays safe and healthy. Here's what CBC Canada has to say on the whole situation. I'm hoping that by calling whomever I can that something will happen and everything will turn out well in the end.

But a little bit of help would be great about now.

Hiyah

Hello to my internetters, I know I've been ignoring you all. I am a horrible friend. But since I haven't had much to talk about lately other than my spinning head and nightmares I am a poor bedfellow to have around. I started having the nightmares about a week ago. I haven't told Neil. I'm sure he has noticed. How could he not. I have been jumping down his throat on a daily basis about nothing. Literally I can cry at the drop of a hat and I do believe I am on the verge of a breakdown of some sort. I am truly thankful for the pharmaceuticals that I have on hand to get me through the next 4 weeks that I have until that day. I'm honestly getting sick thinking about it. Am I going to be able to bear it? I know I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Take a pill Meghan and breathe. I will talk about...wait I have no life right now... ooooo wait I had a birthday last weekend :o I know it may astound you but I turned 29 on the 17th :o I actually had an entire weekend away with my sister. And all we did was hang out and be crafty...oh and drink...hypnotiq and Gin mixed with Raspberry Minuite maid Juice...bad, bad, drink that is....oooo, so bad... Anyway, So on the 16th Laura and I headed up to our family cabin NE of our place for a whole weekend away. The only thing I really wanted to do was check out the local town's Liquidation World. Let me just say we spent $100.00 and 1 1/2 hours poking around in there. I managed to get a steal on some big old vases ( big clunky dust collectors), and some paintings for the kids toy room ($7.00 each :o ). We then proceeded to attempt to make homemade pretzels-they were soupy? For some odd reason the dough wouldn't come together, she tried to bake me a cake ( the beaters were awsome !!) which burnt in the oven after being in for only 20 mins ( it was charred and we had smoke in the entire cabin...so nasty), we forgot to bring any water but managed to find ice in the deep freeze so thus used this for the pasta we cooked on the Friday night when we arrived until we went to town on Saturday to buy some ( we have a well and pump but it is shut down and blown out to prevent it from freezing in the winter, our well and pump doesn't like -40).....and to top it all off on the drive home..... I GOT NAILED BY THE RCMP FOR SPEEDING!!! Actually it was my dogs fault in a sense ( ha blame the dog trick). Abby thought it was a good idea to crawl into the front seat with me, nosed herself under my elbow. When I was trying to get her back I also wasn't watching the speed. I was already stopping as the cop passed me, I saw his lights go on...totally sucked. He cut me a break, but I got nailed for 124.00 anyway and 2 demerits. My first time ever :p Either way I had an awsome time away sleeping in, laughing at the dog trying to dig under the cabin looking for whatever was nesting under there ( I hope it wasn't a skunk, lots of banging in the early morning hours and something ran down the cat walk really early on Sunday morning...ewwww), and talking it up with my sister. I'll let that excitement get me through the next few weeks. I have work to keep me busy and organising the boys with sitters for that week as well. I'm looking for a nanny high and low, and needing a house cleaner as well....a longlist to keep my mind occupied. One day at a time and one moment. I'll see what happens on the weekend maybe it will snow and I can snap some great shots of the kids playing in the snow ;p Have a great Friday, and I'll make more of a habit of poking in my head in the next few days. ;)

And The Band Played On...

As I've written before I grew up with music ingrained into me from a young age. It was always playing in some form whether that be in the car on the way up to the lake, in the house while we were doing yardwork, or, and I remember this especially, at Christmas time. We were never allowed to watch TV on Christams morning EVER, so I grew up listening to varying types of music.

For a while it was whatever my parents were into at the time...Phil Collins, Genesis (yes even tho they were about the same...kinda but not really), Peter Cetera,  Elton John (love him to death), Crosby, Stills, Nash (and Young), The Irish Rovers... need I go on. There is a trend forming. tThere was tho horrible time my parents went into the Gregorian Monk phase and we were all forced to listen to them day in and out...I'm going to be honest here, they are wonderful to listen to for a time, but endlessly, they get REALLY annoying.

On an aside... when Neil  was in Germany in high school he actually stayed in a monestary in ?Hamburg and heard them when they were chanting. They weren't able to go in and see them in person as they were in prayer but apparently it echoed throughout the whole building and was phenomenal.

I developed a varied musical taste early on and since I sang in a formal choir from the time I was 10 until I was 17. I was given the opprotunity to be exposed to music most children my age weren't. I sang with the Edmonton Symphony Orchestra on 2 occasions. We performed Handel's Messiah in 3 languages in my choir "career", the complete messiah in German we actually did once when we were paired with an adult choir. I sang in some many different languages and in many different venues in and around my city. We performed in festivals and competitions and even won awards for our singing.

My sister Laura and I were given the opprotunity to audition along with 23 of our choir mates for the chance to perform in Andrew Lloyd-Webber's performance of Joseph and his Amazing Techinicolor Dreamcoat in 1997. We actually were one of the 2 choirs chosen to do this and spent our summer with Donny Osmand....No he was not that cool from what I remember, and yes we did get to see Andrew Lloyd-Webber and Tim Rice, but in a crowd of 50 kids how does one "meet" a song writer?

We had a blast and still speak fondly of it. We even have a VHS tape of the "actions" we performed on stage during the show that we did after we ended the run in August of 1997. It was hands down one of the best times I can remember in my lilfe. I'm sure Laura will agree. If you look at the photos tho you will see two very young girls with bad teeth (me, so me in that case) and wonky clothes (both of us no matter what she says). I still have the song books and notes that we took during the 2 months of rehearsal it took to prepare for the show, my signed poster ( I have Donny Osmands signature!! :p), and my denim jacket and shirt that is signed as well...I wonder if they will be worth something once he's dead?

As I got older my taste in music changed with the time. I learned to play a mulitude of brass instruments including Trumpet, Barritone, Tuba and Trombone ( I sucked at trombone) and managed to survive 3 years in band in junior high but didn't pursue it after those years. I was never into New Kids On The Block in the early 90's when they were the "in thing". Honestly, I never even knew who they were :o I know how could I not being in that age group? I didn't sorry :( I remember the first CD I ever bought was Matchbox 20, I didn't even have a CD payer when I bought it, it was the "cool" thing to do at the time....slave to merchandising. I think I was in grade 10 befre I ever opened the package and listened to it for the first time at home, sad I know.

Since I was exposed to so many differing types of music and was able to appreciate it I began to delve into it with a fervor as I got older. As Neil will most assuredly tell you, Yanni became on of my favorites if only for the mastery of performance and the music in of itself. He is a truly magnificent performer, even if he is a bit wierd.... I went thorough my whole Beatles phase in high school about when their anthology came out, and always managed to migrate back to Country as my mainstay. As long as it's not the twangy stuff...cannot do the twangy, unless it's bluegrass, but  that's another aside totally.

If asked to list my favorite songs I'm not even sure where I could start.... I'm IN LOVE with Elton John and more so since I saw him live last fall. I grew up on his music and since I love to sing to almost anything it works well.

On an aside I DO NOT sing in public unless there are 2 things factored in....1) I am consuming large amounts of alcohol...very unlikely as I don't drink very often because I cannot do the whole.. have one more when I am tipsy. I go from "happy" to puking in a blink, not good. 2) I am with my sister Laura as I usually sing better when there is someone else to hear for pitch and since I sang with her for many years we ae good at it, and she is better at it than I am. I detest Kareoke bars as I mostly hate hearning off tone singers, they hurt my ears. I am very polite no matter what but prefer to stay away lest I make a face and then they cry....very messy when drunk people cry.

Moving on...I started liking Kentucky bluegrass even tho I am an Albertan, maybe it is the tones of the music and the interchanges. It gives me goosebumps which is mandatory in my books to rate good music. That and if it can get me teary then it is a keeper.

When Neil and I got married 6 years ago our wedding song was so easy to pick that I almost laughed...Allison Krauss' version of  "When You Say Nothing At All" originally done by Keith Whitley.

Do you want to hear what we walked down the aisle to? You'll have to skip the traditional "Star Trek" interlude at the beginning so once you hit about..38 seconds it starts.....stop at 2:45....





? Like it? I had it timed so that at every crescendo my girls came in and then a brief pause and and at 2:04 I walked in...kinda crazy? ( ha Neil actually recognised the music :o ) By the time I reached the front of the church, got myself together and kissed my dad we ended at 2:45. You can stop it there...we did because then you get into the whole "Star Treckie" stuff and unless you are into the theme music...by all means go ahead.

Then I found Linda Eder purely by chance one day as I was channel surfing. If you have never heard of her you should check her out. I can't find a good you tube video of her that really goose bumps for me, but she is awsome. And of course my mom got me hooked on Enya for the soothing quality of some of her stuff and her music is fun and uplifting and....well I could go on forever about my love for music. I'll leave you with my wedding "march" or invasion as the case may be.

When I had Nathaneil I received a Lullaby CD of classical music at my baby shower. I've payed it for both the boys since they were small at bedtime always on repeat. When we moved just before I had Leigha, I lost it :( It wasn't until very recently that I found another one at the funniest of all places..Walmart :p I've begun to play it for Leigha at bedtime and we have found that she falls asleep much faster and stays asleep alot longer at night. I may have found some common thread with my kids as well. I remember when I was pregnant with all of them how rowdy they would get when I blasted any music anywhere :) I love it that thye already have an appreciation for music, we only have to put somehting on and they begin to dance and Leigha actually sings :o

I'll ask this of all of you...what music moves you and gives you goosebumps and tears? I'd love to hear your songs, what did you listen to as a child?, what do you play for your kids?

The Next Hurdle

So the update of the last week as it stands?

In an attempt to call our Nurse Practitioner- and let me interject that I pager her at 930 and was still waiting for her to call me back when I finally gave up and moved onto the next hurdle- I had to make 2 calls, the first to the ENT office where I talked to his oh so lovely "receptionist" who told me he was unavailable...duh, do I look like an idiot? (don't answer that). So I finally after being given one number to call I finally got her pager number and did so, and waited........and waited.....until 200pm, when I gave up.

I called our surgeons office instead and got his receptionist and there I got the whole story of what was going on. Turns out the message got messed up.
What happened was this: Our ENT has cancelled his surgery on the cleft due to the fact that Leigha is going to have the Fundo application and PEG tube insertion. He thinks that having the cleft repair at the same time would be too much at once. So once we got that under control and sorted out we have a date:)

Novemeber 17th 2009 my daughter will be having surgery...again....

I'm terrified.

I know on here I can somehow seem altogether and composed, but honestly I am a mess. I have this vast medical crap inside my head and that unfortunatly is posing a threat to my sanity. Not that it was so intact to begin with, but somehow it's getting worse.

I look at her all happy and smiles and in the back of my head is the voice saying "what is she going to be like a month from now?" , "are we making the right decision?". How do I answer these questions? I listen to her in her bed at night whistling as she breathes and know that everyday the fluid is building up in her lungs and causing permanent damage. Today I made the mistake of putting a stethoscope to her chest, her left side is so congested that I can barely even hear any air moving through the crackles.

Will this have any impact on her in the future when we go to reverse it? Will she be forever turned off of oral food completly? Is she going to have to have thickened drinks forever?  Unfortunatly most of these questions are trial and error. I can only hope that God will watch over her and guide our surgeons hands during the actual surgery and that she does well once all is said and done.

I'm tired of having a sick kid all the time. Even tho it sounds horrid to say and I know I am blessed to have her as healthy as she is, But I want her to be fixed up and this to be over. It's been such a long haul these past 11 months, I'm hoping I have the strength to get through the next 8 or more.

Maybe in 6 months from now I can actually be writing about a trip to Toronto for the repair on the cleft and that this will be the last phase of surgeries that we will have to be looking at in her little life thus far.

How on earth do parents of chronically ill kids do this day in and out? Maybe I am doing it and not realising it? Who knows?

If  I can get through the next 40 days, I mean Noah built an ark and managed to float it for 40 days, shouldn't I be able to stay sane for at least that long?

But then he didn't know my 2 sons?

Updates That Are Really No Help

My phone died today of all days. I had plans to call the Stollery and play phone tag with our ENT's nurse practitioner to see if she could get into his tiny little head and find out what is going on in there.

...sigh...it's on my list for tomorrow...added to at least. I think I have a list of 5 calls to make in the span of 3 hours, most importantly being ordering Leigha's formula and thickener for this next month and then ordering it from Canmore once my credit card is clear enough to let me :p Gotta love my house today :p

I think I'm going to window shop online and it may make me feel better until I get to yell at someone tomorrow. I really felt like doing that today, but alas I didn't get to...

But I did get to spend a wonderful day with my little gal that I watch in home care who is starting to smile now that we have begun weaning her from one of her meds. She actually pointed at me on Monday when I came into the house. I hadn't seen her in about 10 days, she missed me...makes my horrid day all better with that. I spent most of my day holding her hand and singing silly songs to her

What a wonderful way to spend a crappy day hey;)

On The War Path

I'm going to be short here as I am playing damage control. after what almost a year or so of troubles we finally get a doctor willing to do surgery to get us one step further to correcting Leigha's cleft and today when I returned from work I get the lovely message from Neil that our ENT, the guy that was so behind us before has put the brakes on and doesn't want her to have the fundo and PEG done.

Dr Lees office called and informed us today, I am shocked.

Absolutely shocked, I don't even know what to do. I don't get it. Why now? I mean last week he was all for it. Yes lets do it and see how it goes, fix the pneumonias and then we can look at the cleft and go from there. Sounded good to us. I mean we are the parents, right?

It's a bunch of crap and I'm at a loss. Here we were all prepping to go for surgery, getting the boys ready to expect this and planning what we were going to do, etc. Now I have to call tomorrow and figure out what is going through his tiny little head.

I am at a loss....

I want to hit something...hard....repeatedly.....till I break something.

So Here We Are

So It's Friday...finally.
Not that I have much to complain about really. I haven't even worked this whole week, but I'm supposed to be going out of town to have those pictures done.

Only one problem really, I've messed up my back really bad. To the point that I can't even stand up once I've sat down. And driving..HA!! that's a gas really. Once I'm in the car I'm good to go, it's the settling in and waiting for the spasms to stop that's the pain (literal and figurative). I'm not looking forward to the 3 1/2 hour drive to Calagry with a messed up back that is looming ahead of me tomorrow.

I am planning to take my muscle relaxants, ice packs and plenty of "medicinal" wine to help me get through the weekend. I'm hoping that good food, friends and alcohol will bring about wonderful shots that I will be so happy to present to Neil sometime in the next few weeks.

Wish me luck and I'll post back on Sunday night with the results of it all.

Letting The Cat Out Of The Bag

I'm trusting you all not to tell Neil, not like you would or anything. I mean it's not like you pass him in the stree every morning and yell "hey Neil I just heard the funniest thing today" or "hey, do you want to know why Meghan is in Calgary this weekend?"

Do you want to know why I'm going to Calgary this weekend? Now usually I avoid cow town. I can't stand the huge amounts of traffic and the confusing roads with names and such. Yes, I do spend a horrid amount of time there but I don't have to love it.

I'm getting boudoir photos done for Neil for our vary late anniversary :o

Maybe I'll try for something like this...hide my little blessings.....

For me, well I received a very lovely pizza stone for the BBQ and a corn de-nubber thing from Peavy mart (removes the cron nubs from the stalk). I'm truly loved aren't I...sigh....

And he gets lovely pictures of me with bubbles and rose petals and lingerie, and a sultry look. I think he got the better deal yet again.

I'm now trying to find a hair salon in Calgary on the opposite side of the city that I am familiar with and the one place that NO ONE I happen to know lives in. Makes it hard to get anything accomplished. Then I have to find something to wear. I'm hoping against all hope that the stuff I have tucked away upstairs in my little drawer will have something that will fit. Or I could go shopping, but considering we are watching our pennies....maybe I'll use what I already have. Neil has mentioned the fact he finds me cute no matter what I do...you get the point.

Wish me luck and courage and I plan on taking lots of wine for liquid courage. I'm having a girl friend of mine who is a photographer take the photos so it's not like it's someone I don't know. She also was present at my delivery with Ryan so there is nothing I have that she hasn't seen. Odd I know but it makes it easier in a way. And there will be a few other gals there as well to cheer me on. Should be fun to get away and have some fun either way.

I'll let you know how it goes........

How I Met My Man

I know 2 posts in a row :o I'm as shocked as you are.

Today I thought I'd share the story of how Neil and I met. It's a sordid tale of lust and sneakiness and I hope to GOD none of my family (other than Laura) read this in any great detail :o

Just Kidding nothing sordid or lustful but I had you going for a while there didn't I?

This month Neil and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary, and coincidently we have also been together for 10 years this year as well. Unfortuantly we have no idea what our "official date" would be in terms of length of time for "dating" as Neil and I never really dated in the truest sense of the word.

Messed around....check
Sneaked out of the house (me mostly)...check
Egged a House.....check (that was me too, I'm noting a trend here)
Drove a car that wasn't mine without permission...check (bad,bad,bad idea, but I was late for work and Lauren had a license, and it was my dad's car)
Are you getting the idea yet? I think I met Neil just at that time of my life when I needed to be rebel. Not that I was a bad one. Hardly, I don't think I even knew the meaning of the word, I had a hard time then of even calling into work when I was sick.

So lets go back to the beginning of when I first met my bald headed monkey boy ( he hates it when I call him that, if you really want to know why I call him that it's nothing like you think). May Long Weekend 1999, I had been with my "boyfriend" at the time for about 1 1/2 years and had finally had enough of being dragged down, brow beaten and abused ( another story not for here). So I was planning on telling the ex that I was done with it all and wanted to break it off. He had been working at the Sherwood Park Canadian Tire for a short time and had been "raving" about the guys in automotives, and hey why not get together with them all on the weekend of May Long?

Oh wait says he in even more of his brilliance, why don't we go up to the cabin for the weekend as hthe ex has only now discovered that Neil&Neal are heading up to North Buck Lake to go fishing for that weekend so they can pop in for a beer on the way and then off they go...so smart isn't he? I know I was flooered by his amazing powers of deduction too.

So long story short. I broke it off with ex just as we got a call from the Neil/Neal they were at the store about 5 mins from the cabin, the truck was acting up ( let me pop in here and fill you in. My Neil owned at the time a 1975 Ford truck, Lemon Yellow-or was at in 1975 then it was rust yellow-with a little trailer on the box, huge extended cab) so they weren't sure if they could get to North Buck, can they come on down to see if they can figure out what's going on?

At this point I am so not looking forward to visitors....until Neil walked down the driveway.........OMG

Yeah it was exactly like that. He came downt he driveway in this ratty off white cowboy hat, jeans with rips everywhere, an old sweatshirt with holes and jeans that were falling off and I thought to myself......hello, and who are you?

He was so mad, the truck was stalled at the top of the driveway and they couldn't get it into drive only reverse. Funny in a way but not practical as even tho we are in the back waters a bit you can't really drive backwards everywhere. There was no choice they had to stay...

Okay with me :)

So they spent the weekend trying to fix the truck and I spent the weekend gawking at Neil and flirting. He met my Grandparents that weekend and family friends as well who happened to help them jimmy rig the truck with 2 screw drivers and a wrench so they could drive home on the Monday. They made it home with no problems, shifting the gear box from inside the cab through a hole punched thru the floor board inside. It was fun, so much fun.

It was that weekend I fell for him and we got into a heap of trouble getting rid of the ex...

Ex wouldn't go away, stalked me for about a month or so to the point that he actually was in my parents house when I came home from work one night. My parents were at the lake, I was at home by myself and had taken a cab home from work. Stupid me I didn't drive. I came home and didn't notice his truck parked up the street a ways. Once inside he was sitting in the dark in my room on my bed.

It got creepier than that and scarier but I won't go into it. Turned out that Neil had to get into his face and MAKE him go away with force and threat.

Moving on into the years we were happy. Neil actually taught me to drive :o I know!! He got mad when I told him I didn't drive. We woke up one morning, (we were going to be going to the lake for the weekend) before heading up, he stopped at the registry here in town and made me get my learners. Yes he actually made me!! Told me we wouldn't go to the lake until I got it. I did and he taught me to drive that afternoon, but I totally refused to make left hand turns for fear of stalling the car until I got caught at an intersection and couldn't get out of not turning. I think I shook the entire time for fear of getting honked at. It was fun, so fun and one of my favorite memories.

The years flew by and I was into my nursing in 2000 then graduating in 2001 in the blink of an eye. I began working in a nursing home the last place I ever thought I'd be. Then Neil proposed to me on September 24th 2002, and we bought our first home February 17th 2003. We actually got the acceptance of our offer while Neil was reffing a game in Sherwood Park. His parents, my 2 brothers in law and future sister in law were there so they already knew and I had to wait to tell him. I practically bounced out of my seat in excitement. We even had both sets of parents come see the house before we made an offer on it :o

Then we were planning the final details of our wedding in 2003. Where had all that time gone? Neil was into his 1st year of his electrical apprenticeship and I had secured a job working nights as an LPN in a dementia care home in the park. Now we were getting married.                                                                               

And then the stick turned blue and we were having the shock of a lifetime expecting our first child in August 2004.

And then came Ryan in 2006.....and times were tough with Neil being laid off, or working nights and me home with a very active toddler and a new baby...

Moving in 2008 at 8 months pregnant into our new home "across town" if you can call it that, 5 mins away from our last one, into one with a little more space for the hooligans to run amoke in. Just prior to the arrival of....


Our ultimate surprise...miss Leigha who has kept us hopping ever since her arrival...

I'm not sure what the next 10 years have in store for us, but we have managed to get through a few road bumps thus far and survived...financial doom, Two of our children with an illness. We are still able to laugh and enjoy each other for who we are.

I'm still glad he walked down the driveway that day and decided to stick it out. He could have walked away so many times and never did. I'm truly blessed to have him in my life, the father of my children and my life partner to wander through this journey with.

Are you Really Sure You Want To See This?

I went out for dinner with Laura last night and we got to talking about all the lovely pictures I take of my children. I really do take lovely pictures and would take nicer ones if I had a better camera don't you think??? (hint, hint!!)

Anyway so she commented that I don't have nearly enought pictures of myself and that I have way too many of the kids. Well yes I do have millions of pictures of my kids doing a multitude of things from playing in the mud to tackling Neil in the yard and trying to ride the dogs like horses. But I will concede the fact that there are few pictures of me. Let me show you that I do not go invisible in front of the camera....

 There is this one, my wedding day September 2003. My Deer in The Headlight Picture. My Dad kept asking me the whole day if I was sure I wanted ot marry Neil. HELL YES!!! I was just nervous about being in front of everyone.

Then the one where I have been drinking lots of wine at the reception I was feeling quite good by then. At least this picture didn't have me waltzing around with my wine glass and the bottle. I even had a bottle at the bar just for me that everytime I walked by our Bar tenders- that I have know for years and are in the ELKS with my dad, uncle, and grandfather- they would top it up for me. Probably helped me get through the night.

Then we have the gift opening the next day in which our Best Man Chris decided it was a good idea- insert BAD- to have our friend Jerry mix his drinks for him. By the middle of the gift opening he was soused and giggling. Hence why I have yellow bells on my head. He could barely walk by the end of it.

I'll admit one thing here a big fat secret I hate my picture being taken. Yeah I do, I admit. I would much rather look at other people and stare at my kids than look at a photo of myself and see my flaws. Well not flaws really just the minor flibs that need to be ironed out. The double chin passed on through the famdamily that type of stuff. It takes time and energy and I lack it right now having to spend most of it on Leigha and her health crap and well I get shoved to the back burner most of the time.

While I can manage to throw myself into some form of respectable if needed at last minuite, I am not usually comfortable as nothing fits and I am self conscious. But then I am hard on myself too as this is only a road bump and my mother always said that it takes 20 years to get rid of the weight your children pack on you. Not sure if that is literal weight or figurative. I'm going for literal.

OOOO, love this one, me at 38+ weeks pregnant with Ryan. Hot June weekend and I get to go to a convention with a bunch of old guys. We had a very very good family friend receiving an honor that night and went for him. But we had to party with the old codgers too. They all sucked- the old farts they all left by 1000- but we had a great time despite. Except my feet:( Poor feet didn't like that night.

In 2002 I bit the bullet and got my boobs done. Not implants :o I had them reduced. I went from a ginormous boonder boobed attack goddess with boobs that were a 48FF down to a 36C. It was hands down the most amazing thing I ever did for myself short of losing the 45lbs right before my wedding. I never regretted doing it at all, despite the pain I went through after delivering the kids, that had to be almost as bad as the actual surgery. That and I so wanted a pretty bra for the first time in my life, not some granny panty thing from Sears with the 3 inch bra straps. The first bra I bought was RED!!!

Maybe it was that I bounced back into my regular clothes so soon after having the boys that has made me stick into this funk, that and I am sick of wearing the same 4 pairs of pants, boring wardrobe:p Or the fact that I can't eat most veggies and fruits unless you boil the snot out of them until they are mushy and tasteless.

Oh yeah this is a gooder, you should feel lucky that I put this out there. I think that in this case I looked way better pregnant. This is in January when went on our cruise taken in Ocho Rios Jamaica.

Meh, I need to find a blind cabana boy and camp out on a secluded beach where no one can see me except for the birds and fish who could care less. So now I have included pictures of me over the last...6 years. At least my husband thinks I'm cute, then of course half this issue is his fault isn't it?? But then I find bald men sexy too;)

If I looked farther back I have my skinny boob pictures but those are best left in the box with the ex boyfriend. But I do really appreciate the fact that I learned to have my eyebrows waxed so there are 2 not 1 large fuzzy worm. But in the above picture that dress thingy makes me look very boobified doesn't it? hmmmm, odd, that and how did Neil manage to climb those falls with sunglasses on the whole time?

I'll have to ask him...get back to you on that. Enjoy the rambling thoughts that this post has become. Explains my state of mind some hey;)

Moving On Now

So now that I have gotten that all off my chest, I'd like to thank you all for you comments and support. It has helped me open my eyes and see what my mom means to me.

I love my mother and will always do so. I cannot change the woman that she is nor the woman that I have become. Thus I have to make myself someone I can be proud of. Someone that my children can look up to and see as a role model.

I hope that in the coming years I can learn to understand the woman that is my mother and hopefully build a relationship not based on misunderstandings or criticisms.

Moving on now...

This past weekend I was able to run away, literally... I love to scrapbook and have been doing so for about 5 years or so now. I'm adicted to it and seem to have tonnes of thing realted to it than I really need, or think  I need. I was able to attend a retreat at Battle Lake near Pigeon Lake Alberta. A lovely area and I wish I had my camera this weekend ( I loaned it to Laura for her trip to Jasper this weekend, she broke her camera last weekend. Her and her boyfriend were trail riding up in Pyramid Lake?, way more exciting than a bunch of cows and trees). With the leaves all beginning to turn and the harvest moon the Saturday night it was amazing. I totally wish I had robbed a bank to be able to afford the camera I love so much. Someday in my dreams :o

Anywhoo, I managed to get a good chunk of the herritage album that I have been blathering about on here for a long time almost completed. I now only have to hunt down about 10 pictures of the older photos the black and whites and then I get to nag all my cousins and such for recent up to date pics of their families so I can include them in the album as well. That may be lost cause but I am going to give it a good go hoping to have them all received before Christmas and have the whole thing completed by New Years.

I have to admit... I think it looks amazing!!! I'm tooting my own horn a bit here but I am really proud of the way it is turning out and can't wait to show it off a bit. It is exactly like I pictured in my head almost 2 years ago when I thought up the idea.

Moving on again...

Leigha finally got in to see a Pediatric Surgeon on the 4th ish about the feeding tube and I have to admit, we walked in 15 minutes late after wondering throught the University Hospital (which I happened to have known quite well until they opened the new part and moved all of the pedways around), he came in and promptly announced that I was to fill his intern in and then he'd come back and talk to me after. So I gave him the 10 min crash course on Leigha and he walked away looking very shell shocked and once he listened to her chest happened to ask oh so casually " does she always sound like this?" and my favorite " do you know she doesn't breathe with both of her lungs and use her bases?" I smiled nicely and said yes to both questions trying not to scare the new docs away from us already.

Once Dr Lees came back he got serious in front of the computer he brought up all of the tests that Leigha had done over the last year or so and focused mainly on the Gastric Emptying Scan done in January and the barium swallows done over the last few months. He asked if anyone had gone over the results with us and I said "no we haven't even see the doctor who ordered them since last October" in relation to the Gastric one as Dr El-Hakim did the swallow study with me in the office when we were admitted in May. He wasn't too surprised and neither am I after hearing about the Pulmonoligist after talking to some other about her, that's another story altogether.

He turned around to look at me from his seat on the little stool and I seriously thought that he was going to say that there was nothing he could do, just like the GI guy did. Then you know what? He actually said, "I think this has gone far enough and we need to get this fixed and soon". Can you believe it? We finally found someone other than our Pediatrician and ENT who actually want to help us out. He agreed that having 10+ pneumonias at the age of 15 months is 10 too many. He also said that she has alot of damage in her stomach and throat from the GERD so that's when he threw the Fundoplication word at me. I have to admit I wasn't to keen on hearing it. I was hoping that we could avoid a fundo. The other GI guy said he didn't want to do a fundo, but then he also didn't look at anything in her history or touch her for that matter. Once he went through it all and told me what he was going to do, what he hoped to accomplish with it and the end results then I felt alot better about it. I spoke with Neil as well and he said that what has she got to lose other than more lung tissure and complications?

So the plan with her is to undergo an fundoplication and insertion of a PEG Tube at the same time. It means she will have a 4-5 inch scar just under her diaphragm as well as a small 1 inch hole essentially where the mickey (the port for the tube feed) is inserted. She will have to be admitted into the Stollery Children's Hospital for 5 days and barring no complications should be home shortly thereafter. I only hope she doesn't scar like I do :o

I am seeing our ENT with Ryan on Friday the 18th for a follow-up regarding Ryan's temper tantrums to see if they were related to his tonsils and adenoids (who knew that those could be a trigger for temper tantrums), they aren't a trigger as they have increased not decreased...that's another whole story for later on....so I will bring Dr El-Hakim up to date on all of this on that day. He has been in contact with our Pediatrician Dr Dansereau and she had spoken with Dr Lees the same day we saw him to ensure that this was what everyone agreed with as a temporary "fix" for the pneumonia so we can look now at the lung component and the cleft and get more agressive with it. We are looking at anywhere between 1-2 years of this as I'm still not 100% sure our ENT can fix the cleft. But we can alwasy go to Toronto Sick Kids as there is a doctor there who has a specialty in Laryngeal Cleft repair **( Please note that this link goes to an actual picture of a Laryngeal Cleft surgical repair. If you are in ANYWAY Squeemish DO NOT LOOK AT IT!!!, but if you are curious as to how they will fix it, then by all means this is part of it. Leigha will have to have a graft done as well to have it sewn in with the repair.)**

So that's been the last week or so. I am in allergy hell and can't breathe through my nose. But am ever so thankful that now we are moving in some direction to the next step, whatever that may be.

Well That Was Odd...

I have been seeing Linda my Psychologist for about 2 years now, I've told her about everything in my life. From my miscarriage in February 2007, to the abuse I suffered at the hands of my boyfriend in 1997/1998. What little I remember of my childhood and how I was growing up, especially my teenage years.

I haven't told my mother this. It took me 1 year, 9 months and 17 days to write the 2 posts prior to this one. And three days to get up the courage to write this one tonight.

Why? you can ask me and I'll tell you. I don't feel I can talk to my mom the way most gals I know can talk to their moms. I always feel like I have to hide that part of me that is hurting away from her so that I don't have to go through the whole, "suck it up and move on" speech that I know will ultimately come from the whole conversation.

I spent last weekend at the lake with my Mom and Dad, both my sisters, my Grandparents (my dad's parents) and my Aunt and Uncle ( my dad's eldest brother) and one of my Cousins. I spent most of that weekend being ignored by my Dad and snubbed by my youngest sister. There was even the one morning where my Dad didn't even say good morning to me when he saw me. I almost felt like I was a burden being up there at all and around them. My mom was resigned to talk to me occasionally as the kids were around and she was talking to them most of the time.

I know that part of the blame lies with me and that I have to fight to break down that barrier, but I also have to ask....WTF did I do that was so bad to have my parents ignore me for the last, oh I don't know, 4 or 5 years or so. They have become so un-involved in my life as to not even be interested at all. I'm not even sure where to start anymore or how to fix it anyway.

Most of the memories I have from my childhood center around that lake lot and what it means to me. I have wonderful memories of it and now they all seem so clouded because of the anxiety I feel when I am anywhere near it and I know what I am about to walk into. I mean who wants to spend an entire afternoon feeling like they aren't wanted. The last time we were up there my sister overheard snide remarks because we were staying over for dinner, without asking if we had anything to contribute or had any plans- which we did and had it organised already hours before Laura and I had talked about supper and what we were doing about it etc- now I had to sit through more of the silent treatment from them.

I'm not sure it's even my Mom that's the whole issue as my Dad is just as bad for ignoring me, even when I try to strike up a conversation it's more of a one word or short sentence and then he's off "working" on some such thing and gone.

Now I ask of you all, where do I go from here? On the off chance that my parents have read this blubbering blather here and are pissed that I have aired the laundry out in "public", how do I move on?

Linda has said that it is up to me to make the decision on what I want to do from here on out, to make it work with them or not. I need a strong support system in place in my life and they aren't it, have never been it for my entire life I have never felt that I could turn to them for anything. So where does this path lead? I'm not sure if I can let go of the fact that now I am in unchartered waters floundering more so than before.

I know I have people I can count on where needed, but I wish I had a mom to turn to, as sad as it sounds.

And The Next Step Is???

So Now What?

I have asked that of Linda before ( she's my therapist). Now that I have made this or that revelation, where do I go from here? She originally wanted me to go back and write about my childhood, honestly I don't remember alot about it. I can remember fragments, bits and peices usually centered around summers at the lake where we spent most of our time, every year forever.

I remember playing in the lake swimming with my sisters and cousins. Hauling logs out of the trees and to the woodpile for my parents, suppers on the deck, sitting around the fire at night watching the stars and Northern lights.

Other than that I don't remember much, am I blocking things out intentionally? Are there things that I don't want to repeat that I am subconsciously avoiding? I have found myself doing things I can remember my mom doing when I was growing up, cuffing the boys on the side of the head when they don't listen. I feel horrid doing it, having my hand on the back of their shoulders when we are out in a busy place and using it to steer then through. Comments that I make that everytime they pass my lips I cringe as I notice I sound exactly like my mother.

I don't want to be like her. I don't mean that in a bad way. I love my kids and tell them that every night no matter what. I don't remember my parents eversaying that to me in years, so many I can't even tell you how long it's been. I just don't want to be that person that has pushed everyone away to the point that there is no one left.

But I can hope that talking about it and sharing the fear makes it have less control over me. I know that loving myself is a start too.

And if my sister and I are the two examples of the good that has come out of the home we grew up in. Then I guess we didn't turn out half bad;)

And I do have 3 incredibly amazing kids and a wonderful husband of 6 years. A sister who loves me unconditionally and a network of friends who are there to support me through it all.

And the Heavens Shall Rain Tears Of Sorrow on This Day

A friend of ours lost his mother today. I am heartbroken over the fact that he has lost his mother and is now having to face the fact that he has to say goodbye to the woman that raised him, held him when he was hurt or scared. Wiped his tears when he cried, held his hand the first day of school. His mother was a truly amazing woman. I only knew her a brief time in the 10 years I have been with Neil. I remember her making a cake for Neil on his birthday, a huge chocolate cake with chocolate icing and chocolate everything. The most scrumptious thing you have ever imagined.

And now she is gone.

I hate that word, gone. Yes she is gone, in body, but she does live on in her spirit. In the way that she loved those around her. Her faith in her family , her spiritual faith. I am thankful her long battle is over and she is at peace, but I will miss her, if only for the fact that we now have another friend who has lost his mother and is now grieving that loss. Their family is in my thoughts tonight as they have been these past few days.

How do you help someone work through grief? I know the stages of grief, that different types of people grieve different ways. But how does one help someone who has lost their mother?

Maybe it's because I am not very close with my own mother that I am finding it difficult to put into words what my heart is feeling. I don't often talk about my extended family outside of my middle sister Laura. It's complicated to explain it all. I have memories of when my Nana passed and how that affected my family and myself in particular, I have that to share when it comes to grief, but how do I empathize with this? I've been with families that have lost loved ones and given them comfort through their time of sorrows.

I was raised to the belief that if you had a problem go away and deal with it, come back when you are done. Don't be angry, hormonal, or judgemental or you won't be allowed around. This is not a place ( this being anywhere there were adults around) for kids even if you are over 18, you are still a kid once you are married, have 3 kids and a home of your own, own your own car, have gone to college, are successful etc.... You don't have your own mind or thoughts and everything you say gets shot down as soon as it passes your lips.  So what does that say about how I percieve love? And how does that then trickle down into how I portray that to my kids? I wasn't raised in a faith comunity and was able to make decisions in that as I was older, never pressured by my parents to attend this or that church or this or that assembly. I was taught to accept each person as an individual no matter their beliefs or practices.

So how do I approach the fact that I feel like my parents have forgotten how to love me? To love me for the woman that I am and the woman I have become. To be proud of everything I have accomplished in my life. To look at me and see what I have done with my life, to be happy for me. To actually look at me and see ME.  The real me not the farce that I put on when I am out of my element and pretending to be someone I am not. To pull down the walls that have been driven up and not be judgemental or critical. To actually be listened to and not shut down for having a thought. Believed that I may actually know something every once in a while, I may be right.

This is a topic that I have discussed in varying degrees with many people in my life, my sister, Neil, Caughleigh. I know that other members of the family have picked up on the tremors of how do you say it, not unrest but unsaid words between us that seem to be hanging in the air like crows waiting to dive in and take their turn. But how do you talk about something that has been going on for so many years that you are not even sure of  where to start?

It has taken me a long time to finally admit to myself and be able to post this, as difficult as I can imagine it is to follow. The rambling thoughts across the screen of someone with a troubled mind searching for answers and not finding them. I am jealous of the mother/daughter relationships that some of my friends have with their own moms, they are able to turn to them at the drop of a hat and tell them anything. I know that mine says that she is but then there is that voice in the back of my mind saying...I don't think so. Have I set myself up for a fall here? Am I asking for retribution? Asking for a fight? No, I think it is the next step in healing for me. Getting it out of my head. I know I can't change who my parents are, but I can change the type of parent I am, and am going to continue to be.

I was asked the question the other day by Lost in Transition of "what makes you laugh the most?"  I honestly had to think on it for a few days. I laugh pretty easily once I get going for the most part. I am not tickleish and being part Scottish, get some wine into me and I'm a goner once I start giggling. Usually I like to be in a small group and don't like bigger crowds of people. I don't like being the center of attention. Neil has always been able to make me laugh usually with some sort of stupid joke. When I was working nights a few years back...like 7, before we were even married, I can remember one night in particular. I couldn't sleep, I was just coming off of a 5 night streatch and it happened to fall over a weekend which meant I was able to stay over at Neil's place (oh how awful, we weren't even married yet :o ). So anyway about 3 am or so I can remember Neil rolling over onto his back and he must have smacked me or something because he woke me up, it was then I remember him mumbling something under his breathe. Here, I'll re-enact it for you, it's better this way...


schwak...Neil hits Meghan in the eye with his elbow

M: what the heck!!!, Neil roll over you just elbowed me in the eye!!! shoves Neil over with both hands

N: mumble, blah, mmmmm, You know I've never

M: Neil are you awake??

N: You know I don't know if there is a world record?

M: Huh??? a world record for what??

N: for balancing toilet paper rolls on your head....

M: giggle, snort, snort, Neil are you awake?

stab Neil's side and he jolts awake, and at this point Meghan explodes into full out snorts and tears and can barely get the story out about the toilet paper rolls and the balancing act.

Now when I told that to my mom, she merely smiled and rolled her eyes. Laura on the other hand thought it was hillarious. So it seems that maybe I do have a sense of humor...only in the wee hours of the night when no one else sane is awake :o I also have another joke involving Potatoes, but I'll save that for another day.

Enough of the downer for today, thank you for listening to me. I know nothing changes itself overnight. But maybe I have finally done what my therapist has been asking me for over a year to do, write it down....hmmm maybe she's onto something???

You Wanna??

Do you wanna see some of the pictures of my kids that I took after sealing my firends camera when we went to the lake a few weeks back???

OF COURSE YOU DO!!!

I mean who doesn't love looking at pictures of my adorable kids...right??? I mean if you can forget the fact that they make me climb the walls on a daily basis and are fighting at each other the moment their creepy little eyeballs open in the morning ( I cannot wait until school starts next week), then yes, I love to look at their pictures and take them as well.

It also hepls that I had access to the BEST camera ever. Of course I'm comparing it to the cameras I own and they can get beat quite quickly when up against a camera with "lenses". Yes that's all it takes for me to be happy. Give me a camera with removable zoom lenses and I can happily shoot pictures till the cows come home. I managed to fill an entire 4 GB CF card in...oh...2 days. If you don't get that I took about 1200 pictures give or take and usually don't delete them as they are all ones that I would use for multiple projects. Be it scrapbooking or digital.

If I could wish for anything right now it would be this....

Isn't it beautiful?? Only costs.....$1900.00 :( Someday when I am all grown up I may be able to buy it and the lenses that go with it. But it is an awsome camera.

But I am getting away form the whole bulk of what I was supposed to be writing about. The weekend of August 11-13th we headed up to Fork Lake. About 2 ish hours NE of where we are. It is a great place with nice sized campsites, and clean outhouses ( a must with me!!!). So since I had "borrowed" said camera....I got these to share with you....

So the boys thought it would be way more fun to have the whale dingy blown up in the camp site and used as a play toy. Despite the fact that htere was no water around they had a blast playing in it. Ryan even had a nap and fell asleep in it on Saturday night so it can't have been that bad.

On Sunday we headed to the lake lot that my family owns, about a half an hour from the lake we were camping at. I had dropped Leigha off with my Mom and Dad who were up there already. That way I could get some semblance of a break from miss velcro for a bit. It turned out that my sister Laura was up as well so we ended up atying for the rest of the day and hanging out. My parents just bought the quad from a guy my Dad goes hunting with every fall so the boys were all excited to get to play on. Not so much to ride on it and go anywhere. I do have photos of Leigha on there as well but it looks like they are trying to kill each other, Ryan didn't want her up in front of him "she's touching me".

Hands down my favorite picture of Laura and Leigha.

So some new pictures of the kids for all to see,. I am beginning to think that maybe I should start putting a little bit more about me on here. Do you want to know more about me? Or do you just come here to see pictures of my kids? How about someone ask me a question!! (since I am brain dead and can't think of where my hairbrush is, let alone blog posts) HA an epiphany (probably spelt wrong, but oh well ). Let's do that. Every Friday I'll write a blog post about a question someone has sent me, or posted me whatever. I've left my email on my page. And if no one sends me questions, I'll think of something terribly bland and annoying to write about and see what happens.

The Pink Room

Now as fun as it may sound to all that read my funny diatribes, it isn't. I am actually stuck between a rock and a hard place...

Trying in vain to choose a color to paint.....

The walls of my HORRID HOUSE!!!

When we looked at our house in Novemeber of 2007, I can honestly admit I did notice the nasy horrid teal carpet in the front living room and the grody carpet in what is now Nathaniel's bedroom. But how on earth did I overlook the gross disgusting baby puke brown that is painted on almost every surface of this place?? Am I blind in one eye or is it more the case that I was 5 months pregnant at the time and when I walked into the place I was just so freeking excited to find a house I really liked that I overlooked it all? I mean I missed the fact that the room that Leigha now has used to have a gold/yellow ceiling. Now only God knows what they were thinking when they did that, but almost 6 coats of paint later and it is still bleeding through in places because of the stipple. And no I do not want to scrape the stipple off the ceiling, nor replace the drywall at the present time.

I look at all the pretty paint samples that I have filched from the Home Depot over the past few years, somehow managing to have them in the bottom of the cart when we leave (not like they miss the $1.75 each costs, but it's the principle of the matter) and am torn about what to paint. I'm not one to go and paint every year because I am sick of the colors, do I look like a woman with time??? (I just realised there are no pictures of me on here :p I may someday remedy that, when I loose the 20+ pounds the rotten kidlets have foisted onto me:o)

I have convinced Neil, since we have the mortgage settled (YES! finally as of today it is over, I'll post about that later on) we really need to devote some time into the house now. Really make it our own. It seems so out of character for me, nothing is me in here yet. Alot like our old house was up until we listed it on the market, then it became exactly what I wanted it to be all those 4 years prior.

Anyone want to come and help me design my house??? I would love ideas and suggestions? I was thinking that maybe I would start doing a weekly post on something maybe to give myself some incentive until my sewing class gets started in October, and maybe my fair internetters you too may have ideas for me if I so happen to put pictures up of my poor forlorn house for you to see??

Stranger things have happened. But now I must go and attend to the dog that is afeared of thunder storms and is trying to crawl under the leather couch in the basement. Until I have more to babble, goodnight!

And Now For Something We Hope You'll Really Like...

Can you name that phrase??

I'd say song but really unless you watch an awful lot of Teletoon Retro or remember the TV show Rocky and Bullwinkle then I'm not sure anyone will remember it. I have it in me today to throw off the doom and gloom that has surrounded me and try and delve into something a little more fun and entertaining.

I have for the past bit been blogging about the ever ongoing picture dilemas (or have I not mentioned it?? I have this habit of thinking I have mentioned things and then going on to see that I only thought it and never wrote it down, odd hey?) Kay back track, for the past...oh ever, I have been obsessed with photos and archiving my familiy history. I am currently working on a huge project that encompasses my mother's Mother's side of the family, so essentialy my Nana's side. Being that my Nana was the third eldest of a family of 10 there are not many of her younger neices and nephews who remember her ( now these would be great and great-great neices and nephews) so I have made it my "job" I guess to create a legacy to her seeing as I am her eldest granddaughter. I know that my younger cousins have foggy memories of her as well. I am hoping that by creating something that is a tribute to her we will remember her as well as pass on to those who didn't know her as well the type of lady she was, what she exemplified and respected in life. I'm hoping to have it finnished by Christmas, as long as everything goes according to plan, we know how well that goes in this house.

The other project that I have going is the Herritage album that I am making. I have alot completed and now have to work on the individual pages for each family unit. Being as there were 10 children in the family that obviously created a very large family unit with many children, granchildren and so on. So I am in the process of hunting down family pictures of each family to add to the album. I have been successful with the family in Calgary seeing as we get together quite frequently and are in touch as well through Facebook, I love how technology has kept us so in touch with the world. The family in Saskatchewan and BC on the other hand are being shall we say "difficult". I may have to start issuing family ultimatums in the form of threats:o I hope that by whighning enough they will email me photos or mail them so I can add them in. I have been know to hack their facebook to get their attention, I know I'm evil!!

So that's my babble for the night. Let me leave you with a link to our friend Justina. We had her do photos of the kids on Monday morning. She has done the kids pictures for us since the boys were younger and did Leigha's first baby shots when she was 2 weeks old. I love her pictures and the way she captures my kids and who they are. Enjoy the photos, We sure did!!! Click here and let me know what you think especially if you have any opinions on which ones we should order.

A Mother's Insanity

Not that I can honestly say I am certifiably insane but ask a few people around me and they may agree to it. But I haven't been able to think of "the" post for my 101st post. I wanted it to be...something. Not just the same old drivel that I usually go on about when my head is balthering on and on.

It has been a trying few weeks to say the least with the boys at each other all the time from the moment their eyes open to the moment we trap them in their rooms to sleep at night.  I am yelling at them to quit doing something or another to each other from hitting to calling names to chasing each other with hockey sticks. I am sure we are terribly amusing to the neighbourhood. I honestly get tired of listening to them fight and by the time Neil gets home I am ready to pawn them off and hibernate for a few hours in peace and quiet. So not happening in this house... but I can wish right. It is a saving grace that they don't have to share a room so they aren't at each other while trying to "sleep".

But they say blink and you miss it and it seems that time has flown by. Nathaniel is now 5 years old....I know 5 can you believe it?? Where has the time gone? I can't even remember him as a baby anymore. It seems as if he has always been this ginormic blonde haired boy always going, always joking (wonder where he gets it from?) and growing in front of my eyes. Every day he looks bigger, I swear he grows in his sleep nightly. He doesn't even have clothes that fit right now... and don't EVEN get me started about shoes!!! I'll sum it up with a number "1"...he wears a kids size 1, at the age of 5. Shocking I know, I can't keep up nor should I even try.

In the inevitable search for something that wouldn't bore the pants off of everybody I have yet to come up with anything. I feel like I am trapped in a bubble of something sticky I can kinda call my life at this moment and I am slowly trudging along being dragged through the current by someone pulling at the lead. I'm not sure where I am headed nor what I should be doing in the meantime while waiting for whatever "it" is. I know what Becky's trolls would say "at least I have both of my legs" but honestly I feel like I am drowning and there is no one here to catch me anymore. No matter what I seem to do I am 10 steps further back from where I started from and no more clued into what I am looking for than I was when I started. I know it's "just a phase" and "it will get better soon" and "it can't be that bed" but honestly after this long...YES IT IS THAT BAD!!! and NO the drugs AREN"T working anymore.

Just because I am a nurse doesn't mean I know how to take care of myself. I tend to abuse myself more than most. Maybe because I think that I need to take care of everyone else before I have myself looked after. Sometimes I wish in the back of my head as those thoughts of everything I haven't done and those IU have to do are running around how nice it would be to walk in and have it all done without me asking or sugesting. But I don't live in a fairy land and I don't have a magic wand. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and three wonderful children whom I am very blessed to have. I am exhausted both mentally and emotionally and I'm not sure how long I can keep up this charade anymore.

I know the many people who read my blog, many who are family and I know that as you all read this that you are thinking " Oh my GOD she is cracked we MUST go help her NOW!!!" I'm really not, I'm just tired of it all and really wish it was all over. I wish I had a great job that I loved, not one I detest going to, where I don't seem to be helping anyone. I wish I had a dughter that the doctors would fix instead of fighting amongst the two docs that want to help. I wish I had the bank crap fixed and done with so maybe I could fall asleep at night without having to worry that the phone will ring the next day with someone demanding something or another. Not that it has happened or will but it is always a fear after what THAT bank did.

I have a long list of wishes and no magic wand in which to grant them with. I know I'm not the only mother out there with families who run themselves ragged and take on too much. It comes with the territory, but can it possibly be that I have reached the point that I can honestly say I surrender and I'm done with it all and can someone else take over for now because I don't want to anymore?

I think it's a fools wish and that all I really need is a glass of wine and some time. Time to heal from it all and some time to let it all sink in. I'll be the first to admit alot has happened in the past year, none of it small. But I'm ready for a bit of a hiatus , even if I have to bribe someone for it.